Wednesday, December 28, 2005

so . . . michigan

yeah...
i survived the semester and i'm "home" for the holidays.
however i don't really have a "home" right now because my parents moved to michigan last week
so that means that i have spent my entire break cleaning, scrubbing, dusting, and unpacking.
however, my parents' new house is smaller than their last house because their kids aren't small anymore and they don't need a big house so it all makes sense, but they also don't have an attic anymore so nothing fits in this house.
it's a great house though.
i can't wait to be with jeffrey again...
highlight of break so far: getting to go to work with dad and help him do stuff
going to my aunt and uncle's house and doing stuff with my cool cousins
being with my family

however sometimes being with family can be stressful
it's weird to not have any friends to do things with
last christmas break... that's all i did day and night. i really don't think i slept.
we were all too busy hanging out.
i mean i'm already a different person when i'm in utah and now that i don't have indiana to go back home to on the breaks and be with all of my friends that i've had for the past seven years it's as though i'm losing that person forever. that part of me is dying. the sociable, active mimi is vanishing into thin air and shy mimi is taking her place.
too bad shy mimi still has the same temper and inability to not be ...aggressive and vigorous.

so that's depressing.
we didn't have a christmas this year.
i don't think anyone is surprised. my family doesn't really "do" christmas.

my grades are starting to show up. the teachers don't have to have them posted until friday (the thirtieth) but i have four so far. i didn't get a D in mus 201 like i was worried. i got a C- so that's a happy day. however, at the same time it is kind of disheartening because it is the first C i have had since third grade. that's a really long streak that just ended abruptly. i'm really not sure what happened in that class. i have As and Bs in all of my other classes so far. there are three classes still not posted so we'll see how that goes.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

being in love

Wow, being in love is so cool.

Jeffrey and I and Jeff and Sarah helped Kyle and Melissa move into their new apartment. I really love being at the Cannon's. I feel like I'm at home. Being with Kara and Kayle makes me wish that I had my own daughters—or little sisters.

Wow. I really hope Jeffrey and I get married instead of breaking up. We're alike in the right ways and different in the right ways. I feel so giddy around him.

We got to see the lights on temple square last night. The temple looked beautiful.

I love Jeffrey Wells Collett.

Thursday, December 8, 2005

he loves me!

Jeffrey told me he loved me. I wanted so badly to say it back—I thought it would burst out of me, but I didn't have the guts–I'll tell him tomorrow. He knows I do though, because I've written it before. :)

Monday, December 5, 2005

almost made it

TWO TESTS
THREE PAPERS
FOUR CLASSES
FIVE FINALS
away from being done with this dirty nasty semester

soooooooooooo thrilled!

Sunday, December 4, 2005

3 months!

Happy 3 months of knowing Jeffrey. Wow—this semester went seriously fast. I only have four days of school left—thank goodness! I wonder if I'll be able to get everything done by then. Hmm . . . I don't have a choice—I have to get everything done by then.

Is there someone out there that could make me happier than Jeffrey? Is it worth it to give up all chances of Aaron, Nate, Reed, Danzy, Robbie, and Brett? I can't believe sometimes that I'm dating a twenty-three year old.

Will he be able to provide for me and my family? I must not love him heart, soul, body, and mind yet. Part of me definitely loves him though.

Thursday, December 1, 2005

When will he ever . . .

I wonder when Jeffrey will propose? I'm pretty sure he will. Next month? Three months? I don't know. I definitely think it would be worth it to make it work with Jeffrey. I could commit to him. Although it is weird to think about getting married while all of my friends are on missions, because then they couldn't be there.

It's kind of weird to be in this situation. It's like I'm watching it happen to someone else.

In my dream last night, he was going to propose.

However, I still don't feel like we've been dating long enough to make that kind of step. So, I hope he doesn't propose any time soon. I don't think it will be soon, because he says he's scared of being wrong.

I am a little worried about Jacob Jackson over Christmas break. I should call him. I wonder how I can make him understand and not hurt him any more.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Elephant Shoe

Jeffrey has been searching for engagement rings online. I wonder what that means . . . We still haven't said "I love you" to each other—shouldn't that come first? Maybe there is no set order. Maybe he was just curious about rings, but he's not actually thinking about buying one or even if he were, he could just be planning for the future without me or any girl in specific on his mind.

He mouthed something that looked like "I love you," but it could have just as easily been "elephant shoe," because mouthed, they look exactly the same, and he pointed that out to me a week or two ago.

Sigh.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Learning

I was really stressed this morning, and Jeffrey kept trying to tease me out of it. I told him that when I'm irritated, being teased just makes me more irritated, because I'm not good natured when I'm upset, and I can't handle it. I told him that just being in his presence would calm me down and relax me if he would just stop teasing me and just hold me or hold my hand or put his arm around me.

So, he stopped teasing me, and it worked.

I wonder when we'll actually tell each other we love each other. "It is every day implied, but never declared."

Thursday, November 17, 2005

almost thanksgiving

i am psyched. i got a 95 on an exam i just took. how wonderful is that? i didn't even study that much for it *snaps* for paying more attention in class!

so it's almost thanksgiving! i'm so excited except for the fact that i have a five page and a ten page paper due before break and i haven't started writing either of them. i've been reading and researching though so i'm not just about to completely die, but yeah i'm still not looking forward to it and then after thanksgiving holy cow it's christmas already! don't even get me started on all of the stuff that i have to do for that...

so jeffrey and i have never really been apart before for longer than like... a day so it will be interesting what happens over thanksgiving break because neither of us are really people that miss other people a whole bunch. won't it be sad if it doesn't even bother us to be apart?

okay i keep staring at this face it's completely ridiculous and i have no reason to use it but it's ridiculous

happy birthday stephen! happy birthday bri! happy birthday reed! happy birthday jeffrey! happy birthday peter! happy birthday aaron! this month is insane...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

so life is crazy

wow... so less than a month less of school. how insane is that? i wish there were more school days left (INSANE i know) but honestly there is too much stuff to do by the deadlines. do teachers honestly believe that their class is the only class i am in? what's the deal? i'm only signed up for fifteen credits next semester. i think that will be a lot happier for me.
i'm thinking about changing my major from english teaching to english editing... or maybe english language and editing... we'll see. i'm not sure whether to stick with portguese or not. i've had a rough semester with that language. stupid rms...
okay fhe is totally in four minutes and it's at my house so i had better go
but really fast funny story...
so i'm over at jeffrey's house eating dinner with his roommates. i'm amazingly suave and drop a bunch of mashed potatoes on my lap... on my crotch. so i ask for a napkin or a paper towel. they're a bunch of guys so of course they're out. so jeffrey gets me some toilet paper. great. so i get to wipe myself with toilet paper in front of everyone. perfect. parfait.
this brings up a conversation about the toilet paper. one of his roommates bought it because it was massively on sale. however, apparently it was really cheap in make too because one side is soft and the other side is rough so the boys have to like pay attention and chose the side that they want. one of jeffrey's roommates proudly informed me that he knew that jeffrey personally prefered it rough.
good info to have i'm sure...

Monday, November 14, 2005

Time passes

So I'm 20, Amy's 22, Danny's 14, and Peter is now 26. How did we ever make it this far? I remember when Peter turned 16. I hope my brothers get married to the right person before they're 30. Maybe I'll give them until 35 . . .

I have known Jeffrey for ten weeks. I think as long as we both keep trying, we could really turn this into something . . . :)

We confuse each other a lot. We communicate differently. Sometimes I lose my patience with him. Sometimes he makes me feel stupid. We both feel bad afterwards.

Making up is fun. We argue. I enjoy arguing though. I wish we had the same amount of homework . . . that would be too perfect.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Distracting

So, studying, doing homework, cooking, eating, watching movies, walking, breathing with Jeffrey (or around Jeffrey) are incredibly difficult. Jeffrey is very distracting. I would prefer to pay attention to him rather than whatever I am doing (trying to do) while I am with him.

What is so interesting about this to me is that no other guy has ever been able to distract me like this before. It was a joke with Phatty that all I would have to do was kiss him or sometimes even just smile, and he would lose all train of thought or forget what he was saying, but he was never able to distract me in the same way. I never gave him so much of my attention that I couldn't focus the rest elsewhere.

Jeffrey doesn't even have to touch me or have me look at him, just being in his presence is enough to make me reread something 7 times!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

When do you say I love you?

So I was talking to Amber (Nelson—my new roommate),and she asked me if Jeff and I have discussed marriage or said "I love you." We've only been dating a little more than a month . . . should we have already done them? We've talked about marriage and love, but never directly about each other. I think we both know that those are the destinations of a relationship like ours, but neither of us is in any hurry. I think I might already love him, but I'm not sure. I'm definitely the closest to love that I have ever been in.

He asked me yesterday if everything always has to be my fault. I think because when he apologizes, I usually say "it's okay, that was my fault." I also always apologize for things and just take the blame for when things go wrong.

I also remember a few weeks ago he told me that Andie did the same thing—take the blame for everything. Interesting that she and I have something else in common besides liking Jeff.

It's also interesting that I only have bad relationships to compare this to and he has bad and at least one amazing relationship to compare this to. So it's easier for me to rate it favorable than it is for him. He has told me that he does compare them.

So I know that I love Jeffrey, but is it spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you love or enjoy-my-time-with-you-and-always-have-fun-with-you love or I-am-okay-with-your-flaws love or you're-an-amazing-friend love or you're-a-great-person love or the way-I-love-everyone love? or all-of-the-above love?

I know I'd prefer to spent time with him than do anything else with anyone else. Is that true?

I had a dream about Jeffrey. He told me he loved me twice, and I didn't say it back. I woke up sad and unable to distinguish whether it was real or a dream.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

never again 19 credits

yeah so overwhelmed is how i would describe myself right now but that wasn't a mood option... this face pretty much sums it up for me though:

yup... that's me.
so i am never going to take nineteen credit hours of classes while doing six hours of service a week, having a church calling, and a boyfriend. i cannot handle it. add on top of that still trying to keep in touch with my friends and family... it's an impossibly daunting task.
i get to find out tomorrow the results from my ct scan... (cat scan). i hope the doctors can finally figure out what is wrong with me so i can stop getting shuffled from specialist to specialist. i don't have time for all of this! (nor money dang) however, my parents have been really really nice about helping pay the medical bills i've been raking up.
thank goodness i don't have wisdom teeth that have to be removed for a couple thousand dollars.
i hope i'm still a byu student after grades come out this semester...

Thursday, November 3, 2005

grr

For some reason it really irks me that Jeffrey prefers long hair. How unfair of me. He doesn't hold it against me that I'm all about red heads and younger guys. Of course, since dating him my preference has changed. :)

Am I dating Jeff because he's Jeff or just to be dating someone? I think I am dating Jeffrey, because he's Jeffrey. I am not dating him just to have a boyfriend, because I didn't even want a boyfriend.

Is Jeffrey a good match for me? He teases a lot, but he's really considerate and kind also.

Do I really know him? Does he really know me? Is it possible to really know someone? Do you ever stop getting to know someone?

Sometimes I feel insecure and not confident, and I think Jeffrey would prefer a girl that cooked more, knew more about babies/children, and that had longer hair. Then I remember that there is no reason to worry about it, because that's his decision—not mine.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Portuguese update

I finally volunteered to read my diary in Portuguese class. It was really scary. Before my teacher projected my Portuguese diary on the screen, she said (in Portugues), "Michelle is my only 321 student who is not a return missionary. Whenever I think of her, I think of courage. She is brave to be in this advanced grammar class with a bunch of return missionaries." I almost started crying, and my eyes filled with tears, because I feel so discouraged and stupid in this class. I am meeting with her on Monday. I am going to ask her what she would suggest me to do to survive this class.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

oh Jeffers

I hope Jeffrey isn't worried/stressed/preoccupied with the marriage thing. We've only been dating for one month. We don't need to be concerned yet. Especially since I'm not concerned at all, since I've already prayed about it and know marriage would be okay. This peace is amazing! I should pray about everything! It feels great to have God backing up your decisions. I know I could marry him, and I know God could help me get over him if need be.

I finally took a test I feel confident about. Amazing, huh?

I'm getting really excited about Thanksgiving. I wonder what it is like at the Threadgill home. It will be cool to see my relatives while I'm there! I wonder if I'll be able to finagle a visit with the Matt Homers and Dave Homers.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

sigh

Jeffrey's roommate William got him some engagement ring advertisements as a joke. I wonder why Jeffrey told me that. Our first date was a month ago yesterday. It's kind of weird to be dating someone I know I could marry. I guess weird isn't the right word . . . maybe wonderful and different. Yeah, that's how it is. Shhh . . . this is a secret, but I love him. I haven't told anyone else.

I talked to Jacob Jackson on the phone yesterday and tried to convince him that Jeffrey is amazing and makes me happy. Jacob was really hurt—he found out about Kevin. I feel bad for hurting him, but dating Kevin was me hurting myself. I don't know how to explain that to Jacob though.

He'll get over me sometime soon. The mission will help.

Jeffrey Wells Collett :)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

adolescents

Apparently you shouldn't tell an adolescent that you know know what they're feeling and experiencing. They feel so unique and alone that as an adult they won't believe you and will just shut you out. What is the possibility that you actually can know exactly anyway? You should tell them that you've had a similar experience and then explain to them the experience, so they will believe you and place more importance on your advice.

So, Jeffrey and I officially have plane tickets for this Christmas Break, but for some reason I'm not slipping out. We're also talking about taking a religion class together next semester. That's pretty long term.

Since we're only supposed to date people we would marry, I prayed about it, and I could. :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

life and school are hard

This semester is making me hate Portuguese. My Portuguese grammar teacher is expecting us to already know everything. She's reviewing instead of teaching. How can I know it if no one taught it to me?! I think for the first time in my life I am going to do poorly enough that I have to retake a class. Failure happens, and I can't be perfect, but I can't help but wonder if this is happening because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm taking a really heavy load of classes and doing volunteer work and trying to be a girlfriend to the most wonderful boyfriend I've ever had.

Sometimes I entertain the idea that I need to spend less time with him and more with my books.

He almost broke up with me yesterday. This may sound weird, but it was an amazingly spiritual experience for me. As he was talking and crying, I just kept feeling this overwhelming feeling of peace and warmth. It was as though someone was holding me and whispering, "there, there Michelle, it's going to be okay. You are strong enough to handle any outcome and everything is going to work out."

I know that even if Jeffrey did break my heart I would survive. I knew (know) that dating Jeffrey was the right thing to do. I am so grateful for everything that he has already taught me. He has introduced me to a healthy relationship. He's shown me that it is possible to be happy while dating, only like one person, and have someone respect and cherish you. It's been amazing.

I also knew that if Jeffrey decided to toss me back (as long as I kept following the Spirit's promptings) that I would find some other guy as wonderful as Jeffrey or even more wonderful (if that's possible). It was a complete understanding of what I told Jacob Jackson when I broke up with him. God takes care of His saints who take care of His sheep. He gives us so much for so little.

Jeffrey ended up deciding to still date me and come to meet my parents. I lost the Spirit a little and started turning back into the Mimi that expects guys to hurt her and who over analyzes everything, but I knew that would make me unhappy and wouldn't be fair to Jeffrey, so I prayed for the ability to trust and regain my earlier peace, and I received it.

I'm so happy to be Jeffrey's.

Friday, October 14, 2005

boys boys boys

Amy's visit was really short. I loved having her here. She got here two days late because of Jacob Jackson. I wish he would get over me.

Marc is a really, really great guy, but more perfect for Amy—not for me. He's too placid and calm. he's a wonderful friend though. I'm lucky to know him.

I miss Reed.

Jeffrey . . . he was so unexpected. I really like him. He's very considerate. It doesn't bother me or scare me when he compliments me or does nice things for me. I actually like his surprises. I love the way he kisses. He doesn't get spit everywhere. He doesn't shove his tongue down my throat. I feel like he's cherishing me when he kisses me instead of using me. He's gentle.

Today, we were joking about marriage, and I didn't get scared. I think I am falling for him, and the only thing I'm afraid of is that I don't know how he feels.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Happy Birthday, Suzy!

First picture: Mimi and Suzy. Second picture: Jeff and Mimi.










First picture: Julia and Angie. Second picture: Jon and Suzy.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Farewell, Maria!

Chelsea, Amy, and Mimi before church

Maria is going on a mission to the visitor's center in Hawaii!
First: Amy and Maria. Second: Mimi, Becca, and Maria

Saturday, October 8, 2005

Maine Get-Together

Interesting how the girls are proud to be playing Twister and having fun, where the boys are ashamed and hiding their faces. Hehe.

Friday, October 7, 2005

Indiana Party!

We of course had to have an Indiana party while Amy was here!

Julia Boyce, Angie Sutton, Amy Boling, Suzy Boyce, Paul McGrew, Mimi Boling, Amanda McCartney, and Bri French

Marquis, the Chauffeur

Marc sure knows how to pick a girl up from the airport in style! Look what Amy arrived to! :)

Thursday, October 6, 2005

worn out

I am fatigued. Something is wrong with me. I went to a nephrologist and a gynecologist. They both told me to go to a urologist, get tests done at the hospital, and see them back in a month. I might have allergies, Lupus, or amniocentesis. Quite broad spectrum. That's just dandy.

I'm dating Jeff. Jeff Collett is my boyfriend. I'm confused about where that puts my feelings about Daniel Zvirzdin. I'm pretty much focused on my health and education. I feel like I'm slowly slipping down and losing my grip on my classes.

Aaron Baker died. He was working with his father and was crushed between a grain silo and a tracker. It is so hard to believe that he is no longer here. That people my age can die. How sudden. Life can be so unexpectedly cut short.


Jeff makes me really happy.

I think Jeffrey's only flaw might be that he eats like I do—meaning not a lot. He'll go a full day and forget meals. That is the opposite of what I need.

I feel bad for not picking Marc.

Jeff and I have a lot of common opinions. He loves listening to me talk.

Amy flies in tonight. I am so excited to see her! I just wish I had more energy and fewer papers and exams. I just feel bogged down.

I don't think I have Lupus . . . Wouldn't I know if something were that wrong with me?

Monday, October 3, 2005

Dating?

Jeff had tickets for General Conference, Saturday afternoon session. It was wonderful to be in the Conference Center. He spent all weekend at American Fork with me at the Cannon's house . . .

I'm supposed to be thinking about whether I'll date him—be his girlfriend. I told him about my crush on Danzy.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

My Blessing

So . . . remember how lonely and miserable and unhappy I was the past month? How I wanted someone to talk to—to confide in? How I felt so alone and could only find peace in the scriptures? (Thank goodness for the Book of Mormon!)

Well . . . I've been praying and fasting about whether to continue hanging out with Jeff, and I really feel peace in the idea that God put him here to be my friend/support/listener right now. I don't know or understand where that puts Danzy and/or a mission, but I know that Jeff is blessing my life.

My roommate, Amber Nelson, got engaged to her boyfriend, Nate Waters, last night. they met six weeks ago. Amazing, isn't it? I guess when you know . . . you know and you act on it. She is so happy. :) (So is he.) I am so not ready for that!

Amber Nelson . . . Waters!

My roommate Amber is engaged to Nate Waters! Yay! :)

Monday, September 26, 2005

Omelas

Sometimes I don't like the things that school makes me think about. For one of my English classes, I had to read "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas." Have you ever read it? Could you live with that existence? Christ died, so we could all be happy and have eternal life, but He chose. He had agency. The child in Omelas was forced against his/her will. The short story was playing with the idea from the Bible of a scapegoat. Apparently, communities would place all of their sins on the head of a goat and then they would leave the goat in the desert to die.

I got a blessing from my home teachers yesterday. It was amazing how good I have felt since then. I've felt totally at peace and comforted. I am so grateful for the Priesthood.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

marriage aargh

How am I going to pick one day who to marry? I don't have a favorite color, number, song, book, movie, food, or anything. I don't have a best friend. I eat the food I eat, because it is familiar. Is soccer only my favorite sport, because I've been playing it since I was five? I never picked the guy I liked the most to date. I just picked the most persistent or the one I felt sorry for. If they didn't let me say no or I couldn't bring myself to say no, then I ended up dating them.

So, Jeff Collett asked me on a date for Saturday. He said I could think about my answer and get back to him about my decision.

Have I ever made a choice?!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Snuggle time with Mandy

I got to go visit the Cannons and sneak in some snuggle time with my precious kitty, Mandy. My apartment this year doesn't let me have cats, so she can't stay with me. I don't have a car, so I rarely get up to American Fork to see her and the Cannons, so when Amy comes to visit me, she is going to take Mandy with her back to my parents' house.

Monday, September 12, 2005

9-11

9-11 was more than four years ago. Wow.

I got my voice class added finally. I now have a grand total of 19 credit hours. I think I'm insane. Losing my social security card was a blessing, because if I hadn't, then I would have gone right out and gotten a job, whereas now I'm not sure if I can handle a job. Mom and Dad both told me not to get one. I love my English classes!!! I'm torn between wanting to go to the Cannon's all the time to see my cat and feel like I have a family and being a normal, detached college student.

This time next year, Danzy will be home from his mission!

Diana and I have made one friend in our ward—Jeff Collett. He's from Ohio. He seems pretty cool.

Thursday, September 8, 2005

I'm Engaged!


JUST KIDDING!

Joseph fake proposed to me at Wal-mart. :) He's having girl troubles, and we joked that a fake fiancee would be the perfect thing to make other girls stay away. :)

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Yay Melissa!

Wow. I am in some massively reading and writing intensive classes this semester.

Melissa got the flight attendant job! However at the beginning she is going to have to live in Chicago with Kyle still in Utah. Sad huh?

Mandy hisses a lot more. I hope she gets used to living at the Cannon's, so that will change.

Thursday, September 1, 2005

Hello September!

I am going to have to work really hard this semester to stay on top.

Portuguese is going to be tough. My classes are full of RMs. So, they're all fluent, and I feel uncomfortable, because they outnumber the girls like 8 to 1. I have Becca in one of my Port. classes though, which is awesome (Rebecca Warthen). I hung out with Maria Haynie last night. We went to a movie. I got to eat dinner with Suzy and Julia Boyce. I ran into Bethie Willian at the bookstore and helped her buy her books. Seeing friends is good.

I really want to have a bishop I know, like back home, instead of a stranger. I guess it is a test of faith. I need to trust that God is working through the bishop, so it doesn't matter if the bishop knows me, because God does.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

school starting soon

I'm glad that school is starting tomorrow, so I'll have something to take up my time. I need to find a job! Bethie W. called me today. I had e-mailed her my phone number. So, we're going to hang out some time. I need to get a hold of Maria. Jonathan R. transferred to UVSC. That was unexpected. I'll have to give him a call. I feel so lonely. I really miss Mandy (my cat). This BYU housing thing is not going so well. My roommates move my stuff around and want me to get rid of my chair, and they put my keyboard (piano) in the pantry closet. I wish all my stuff would get here. I miss my Muncie friends.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

back in town

It was weird hanging out with Jacob N. I was really attracted to him. I just wanted Jacob J. to get over me, and I just wanted Stephen to be happy. I miss the posse.

Because of Jacob J., I only got to spend 10 minutes with Danny and 5 minutes with Peter. I feel so cheated. I broke down and cried for the first time as I left my family.

I haven't had much contact with Kevin M. I've basically been living with the Cannons for the past few days. They are so amazing.

I've hung out with Marc from Maine twice now. I have a lot of fun with him. I can't date him though, because he's someone I actually could fall in love with and marry, and I want to give Danzy a chance. Who knows what could happen?

So after this summer, I have realized that I don't want to date some guys because I would never marry them, so it would just be a fling or very dangerous, so there's no point. The rest of the guys, I don't want to date, because I actually could marry them, and I want to see if Danzy and I are as compatible as I think we are.

Kevin C. is pretty cute and cleaning up his act.

I've missed Diana.

I'm really, really nervous about this school year, and how everything I need seems to be in Maine or Indiana. Life is definitely a learning experience.

I miss Mandy. She's living at the Cannon's house now.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

in utah, but not of utah

yes i'm definitely back in utah, but don't worry guys i am not and never will be of utah.
even though i am spending a lot of time in it.
i'm a hoosier.

okay shout out to my girls: c, chelle, bri, and ash

i really wish i could have seen t, ems, and carrie, but hey life happens right?

i got to see pretty much all of my boys which is good. btw does anyone know what happened to stevie ray?

i survived the flight here with mandy. it was questionable for a while there whether i was going to make it. mandy had an allergic reaction to the vaccines she had yesterday morning and the poor baby threw up and was foaming at the mouth so she couldn't keep her travel tranquilizer pill inside of her long enough for it to work. sadness. she seems to be better now that we're on land though and she had food, water, and a litter box. i am a little worried about the fact that she'll be living with a german shepard for the next four months... wow is that all this semester is? no wonder school flies by.

everything about indiana was beautiful. the weather was perfect and it was all so wonderfully flat. :) i loved it. i only wish i could have had enough time to say "hello" and "goodbye" at separate occasions instead of having to throw them together in one night. :( i also wish i could have seen danny for more than ten minutes and peter more than five minutes. i am really glad amy had time to drive down tuesday night to see me. my brothers are amazing. i wonder when they'll find two girls amazing enough to see it? peter thanks for calling and dan thanks for the hug and kiss.
i love you guys!

Last of Summer






Park City Mountain Resort—Alpine Slide

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

home

so i got in yesterday but it almost doesn't feel real. like i don't believe that i am home really. i got in yesterday afternoon and my suitcases had stayed in boston. here's what happened. i was supposed to fly out of bar harbor, but it was so foggy that the plane i was supposed to fly out on had never even been able to take off from where it was before to get there. so the airline put all of the people from the flight into a van and drove us to the bangor airport. while sitting on the runway i saw six fighter jets take off. it was so cool i felt like i was in a movie or something and we were going to war. they made so much noise though. so i got put on a different flight to boston and didn't have to go through rockland this time. then from boston my flights were normal, but i switched from u.s. airways to delta and my lay-over went from two hours to like ten minutes and apparently my suitcases didn't walk as fast as i did, but i did have to switch concourses so it was quite the trip. so yeah so they arrived at my house sometime between two a.m. and eight a.m. i'm not sure when exactly. weird huh?

so yeah so i'm sick and i had to wake up at 4:30 to catch my airport... van (hahaha) and i had only gone to bed at like 2:30 because i was with kevin so i was really tired so my mom set me up in the wood floor bedroom and then i fell asleep and didn't wake up until my mom woke me up at eight, but i still felt like crap and hadn't showered in a really long time so i just went back to sleep instead of fhe. then my parents came home and i hung out with them for a few hours.

so yeah i still haven't seen any of my friends and now i'm going to richmond to my grandparent's house and i'm going to try to fit all of my friends into seeing them tonight

because guess what? i fly out to utah tomorrow. o.m.g.

so yeah so it almost doesn't seem like i'm really home. my house is so different because my parents are painting it and fixing it up so they can sell it easier. i'm in a room that was not my old bedroom (but my old bedroom looks completely different) and it doesn't feel like i'm really here because i'm almost gone again. it makes me sad.

i hope i get to see everyone tonight, but what even is the point to see them just to be taken away from them again? i can't believe they put up with me. i love my friends.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Good-bye Maine

Brad D. helped me tape up my boxes. He is putting some of my things in the car he is driving out to school. Kelli (Bryce's girlfriend) and I drove to Waldeboro to pick Bryce and Kevin up from their grandpa's funeral. Kevin's father's family is from there. We passed Moody Motel and Moody's Diner. We ended up on Moody Island. Kind of cool, huh?

So, I met his grandmother and extended family. His father apparently really liked me the last time he met me and had talked to everyone about me, so everyone thought I was Kevin's girlfriend.

It's almost time to leave Maine. I'm really going to miss the people I've grown close to this summer: Raya, Tia, Kelli, Kevin . . .

I'm feeling anxious about seeing Stephen and Jacob J. I wonder if Jacob knows anything about Kevin. I hope he's not hurt. My intention was not to hurt him. I've kind of been hurting myself by it. I wonder if it was punishment? I do think Kevin is a wonderful person and a fabulous guy, but he's not Mormon. Anyway. I wonder how everything is with Stephen after the whole Mormon/Catholic thing back in June.

I hope Bri is doing better. I hope I get to see Teresa and Jacob N. while I'm home. I haven't seen either of them in a long time.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

changes

sudden changes surround me...
that's a line from little shop of horrors. it's stuck in my head. with good reason of course.
so today is my last day of work. i fly to indy on monday. since my mom only purchased my tickets two days ago i have a crazy flight plan... i fly from bar harbor, me to rockland, me to boston, ma to cincinnati, oh to indianapolis, in and then two days later i fly from indianapolis, in to dallas/ft. worth, tx to salt lake city, ut. dang i wish i had a car because i am not really excited to do all of that flying. and i'm really not that excited about how much money it is going to cost me to mail all of my stuff to myself.
yeah so i have to get back to work.
love you.
see you soon.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

leaving soon

I've seen Kevin every night this week.

Shawn gave me a teddy bear. So, it's official, five boys have had crushes on me this summer.

Instead of Mom driving out, I am flying home Monday morning. I fly from Bar Harbor to Rockland to Boston to Cincinnati to Indianapolis. Dang, huh?

Kevin's grandpa died. The wake is tomorrow, and the funeral is Saturday. His parents are finished with working it out and are back on the divorce track. He and I decided not to try a long distance, but to keep in touch and who knows what will happen next summer. I know—nothing. He's not Mormon—he's not even religious at all. Nothing can happen.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Danzy

I keep having these nightmares that Danzy and I are dating/engaged after his mission, and I tell him about dating Kevin, and he breaks up with me. It's miserable.

Oh! Talking to Danzy's mom on the phone was horrible. I get the impression that she doesn't like me very much. Or maybe she knows that Danzy has his heart set on someone else, and she's trying to keep me from getting hurt. She seemed surprised to hear that Dan has sent me pictures, let alone has written me. Suck.

Yeah, so I always feel like I'm cheating on Dan by being with Kevin. It's the same way I felt all last year at school about Jacob. And yet I'm not even anyone's girlfriend.

However, I really do care about Kevin. He's my perfect opposite match.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

confusion

Man. Robbie (my manager) asked me if I would consider taking a semester off to stay out here and work. I'm very tempted. If I hadn't already paid for my apartment in Provo . . . and I don't want to make Suzy and Diana too sad.

So, Kevin and I are getting more serious. I feel kind of weird about it. What I mostly feel weird about is how dangerously I'm playing with his and my emotions. I really am attracted to him, but it can't be more than a summer thing, but I care about him. I can't be serious with him, because I'm 20. I need to stop just dating people and focus on marriage materials, but at the same time, the guys I would want to marry are all on missions.

I feel like I'm cheating on them, even though I've never even told Danzy that I could marry him. I don't even know if he thinks of me at all that way.

This Kevin thing doesn't fit in my plans. I'm breaking all my rules for him. Well not all. I still don't drink, smoke, swear, sleep around, watch bad movies, or dress immodestly, but I am dating someone who does those things. He and I have nothing in common except niceness and attraction.

Grr. What am I doing?

Sunday, August 7, 2005

Keep the Sabbath Day Holy

So today is Sunday, and I am at work. It's the first time I've had to work on the Sabbath. I spent the night with Chelsea last night at the Dalton's. They're at their lake house, and she didn't want to be alone in the forest. So, it was beautiful. I looked great, and the weather was amazing. I burst into song to join the birds.

Then I got to work and brought Melissa's dog, Sassy, with me. I'm watching her while Melissa is in Boston. So, Alissa leaves the door open to the shack, and Sassy took off. I sprinted behind her, but I couldn't keep up. My shoes had fallen off. I was crying and screaming. A man started chasing her for me, as did two kids on bikes. I went into the store, but Sassy hadn't run there.

I went toward the police department to report Sassy. Then the bikers found me and told me the man was coming with the dog. He somehow caught Sassy, and Sassy somehow miraculously did not get hit by a car. I can't believe she avoided it. I'm so embarrassed that I cried. :(

I don't like having people see me fall to pieces. I did keep a good amount of cool though. I screamed to people to stop her or char her, and that worked out in the end for me.

I feel horrible now, because I haven't eaten anything because it is fast Sunday, but I just ran up a hill and quite a few blocks.

Sassy is now tied to the counter and very depressed. While I was carrying Sassy back to the shack, she pooped on me.

I just wish I could be at church right now.

Raya asked me if I missed Kevin (he's in Boston this weekend also). I said, "no, I'm just bored without him." I wonder if that's true. I mean, I miss doing stuff with him. I miss having him around, but I'm not pining or sitting around restless. He gets back sometime Tuesday. Why don't I miss people? When am I going to trust someone enough to attach myself to them? I've trained myself to not get close, because I'll always move away and my romantic endeavors have not worked out. I wish I had waited longer to date, because maybe then I would be less scared by it now.

I want to sleep.

I will never work on a Sunday again.

old entry

so i wrote this a week ago but couldn't post it so here i am trying again...

i think i wrote this last wednesday. not three days ago but a week and three days ago.

so the power was out in like almost all of maine, parts of new hampshire, and all the way up into canada. is that crazy or what?

i just got home from kevin's 21st birthday party. it was really fun. i left because my ride was leaving. i could have stayed longer and gotten a ride from someone else, but i was torn. i wanted to stay because kevin had just been telling raya and i how glad he was that we were there because we were like his friends and a lot of the other people there were his brother's friends (his brother is the one that threw the party) but at the same time i didn't want to stay because his brother had a stripper coming to surprise kevin and i'm not really into that. so i decided to just leave with my ride. kevin wanted me to stay, but he didn't know a stripper was coming. maybe i should have warned him. i don't think i would like watching a stripper. in fact, i'm positive i wouldn't.

it's kind of funny because there were two other parties i could have gone to tonight. why did everyone randomly pick the evening with no electricity to have their parties on?

raya and i are having a dinner party tomorrow. she is making dinner and i am supposed to make dessert. i'm planning on making brigadeiros and beijinhos. i hope i can find everything i need at the grocery store and have time tomorrow. kevin invited me to go on a hike with him but i am taking marc to the airport. he's flying back to salt lake city tomorrow. i'm going to miss having him here and then i'm going to miss having amy, al, nichole, and spencer here.
wow. so many people leaving.

i love courtney workman and stephen greiner. thanks for all of the wonderful advice. the evening turned out splendidly.

i have some really cool co-workers. my favs are tia, raya, kev, and orrin. don't get me started on some of the other ones... grr...

i'd better stop writing before i lose the internet signal that i have.
*smooches*

Thursday, August 4, 2005

weird dreams

I had a dream two nights ago that Kevin and I were at the altar. A priest was talking, then Kevin said, "a marriage requires monogamy?" And he ran out.

He had a dream last night that we were in his dorm room, and I was keeping up shot for shot, bottle for bottle with his alcohol drinking, and he was amazed by how much I could drink since I was a beginner and so small.

Interesting.

He gambles, swears, and drinks. I don't do any of those things, and I've never dated anyone like him. Thank goodness he doesn't smoke, too. Why the heck am I attracted to him? Am I trying to date the opposite of Jacob? I'm the one who broke it off with Jacob. He and Danzy would be so disappointed in me if they knew. Maybe I like that Kevin needs me.

Monday, August 1, 2005

Growing old . . . growing up

It's so weird to work with Tia (15) and hang out with Chelsea (17). There is such a difference in those ages. So much growing up to get done. It's also weird, because I thought I was wise, old, mature at those ages, but I wasn't. Why did I ever have a boyfriend when I was 15? And how am I going to explain to my daughters that even though I did and turned out fine they shouldn't?

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Losing my girls

So, Amy, Al, and Nicole have only one week left in Maine. They're just handing out, because they've already had their last day of work. Nick Empey is also out here visiting. It's fun.

Okay, I'm avoiding the issue. Kevin kissed me. He's the personification of everything I am not attracted to. He drinks and swears. He did stay sober last night though, because I said I wouldn't kiss him with alcohol breath. The kiss was really short and sweet and nice. However, I felt like I was kind of cheating on Danzy and Jacob.

I am so mixed up. What is the point of a summer fling?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

here i am!

so my roommate (who is a manager where i work) and i had to come back into the store after it was closed and i am totally using the time to get on the internet. what an amazing feeling! okay um if anyone still even reads this - which i would understand if no one did because i haven't written in so long - i love you all! you guys are great, especially the ones that call me.
so life is good.
jacob and i broke up. but it's for the better and who knows what will happen in the future.
my sister amy is having a summer fling and has finally at the age of 22 had her first kiss. his name is spencer and he's so cute. he has facial hair so i'm wondering what it would be like to kiss someone with facial air and it's kind of funny to think that amy has never kissed anyone without facial hair.
anyway.
i helped an old woman at the landromat on thursday. she kept falling asleep while watching her laundry, but she was holding on to one of the carts on wheels and she had a broken collar bone and a bad eye so needless to say i was scared for her. she was cute. her husband woke her up and wiped the drool off of her face. i hope that someone loves me enough when i'm 80 to tenderly wipe the drool off of my face and still find me beautiful.
i lent a tourist my cell phone the other day and then i got scared because he disappeared with it but then he returned it with a twenty dollar bill underneath it! score.
i bought seven pairs of shoes yesterday...
i love having a job and making money. it's an amazing feeling to know that none of my mooney has been involved with my parents at all. like. it's mine. which is kind of pathetic because i'm 20 and shouldn't i have been experiencing this already for a few years? but hey, some of us are late bloomers.
i've held a lobster, clams, sea urchin, sea cucumber, and star fish.
i've seen a bald eagle, harbor seals, gray seals, and a finback whale (the second largest whale in the world).
there are some larger than life slugs here. just waiting in the grass and bushes to freak you out and rock your afternoon.
i miss my friends.
my last day of work here is august 20th. my parents are driving me home and i think we are going to leave the actual 20th. then i'll be in muncie for three days and my parents just called to tell me that they purchased a plane ticket home for the 24th... so i'm going to have one huge party while i'm home. let me know which day would be best for you. that sunday, monday or tuesday.
i'm sad that i'm not going to be home longer.
I LOVE YOU!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Divorce and Hand Rashes

Yesterday, Kevin and I were at work alone in the shack. I had just watched a movie where this guy's parents get divorced. So, I'm talking about divorce. I realize Kevin is doing more listening than talking, so I say, "oh, I'm sorry, are your parents divorced? Oh no, wait, they were just here for the 4th." Then he nodded and just sat there. Finally he said, "Actually, they called me last night and told me they're getting divorced." He looked so sad. he told me the whole story, and I wanted to hug him so badly, but I didn't want him to think I pitied him.

I felt awful for him. Giving up is always a sad thing, but giving up on a marriage is terribly sad. They have to have been married about about 25 years. Apparently his mom has depression and alcohol problems, and his dad just doesn't feel strong enough to keep having to be strong.

I went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me a prescription for a steroid hand cream that should make my hands return to normal. If they don't improve in a week, I'm supposed to go back, and he'll refer me to a dermatologist.

I'm at the laundromat waiting for my laundry. There is a really old couple here. They're still married and in love. The husband went out to the car, and while he was gone, the wife fell asleep standing up. He came back, woke her up, asked if she was okay, and then lovingly wiped the drool of her face. The love of still-married old people is amazing. They have made it through so much and stuck together for so long.

Eternal commitment. Oh my gosh. Wow. Does someone exist that I could love in return for eternity?

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sacrament Talks

Amy and I are both speaking next Sunday. We both wrote our talks a week or two ago, but we spent a portion of today rewriting them. I just read mine to her. She and I had been given no topic assignment, but mine randomly is the perfect introduction to what she chose to speak about. God really does have a hand in all things.

I think I'm in love with Jacob and Danzy's letters.

I am also attracted to Kevin and Marc, more so Kevin though.

Thank goodness I'm single.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Good-bye Jacob

A girl named Alexa moved into the barn, so Melissa shares a room with me now sometimes. Mom and Dad have come and gone. I faced the facts that I have an eating problem. It's why I've been in constant pain for the past month. I haven't eaten enough food since I was 17, and now my body is punishing me. It used up my excess fat and is now tearing down my muscles to use as fuel. It's horrible. I have no energy ever. I feel like I'm dying. Eating makes me nauseous, and not eating makes me nauseous. So, I basically always feel horrible.

I broke up with Jacob last Monday, on July 4. He didn't handle it well for the first two days, but then he prayed about it and it all clicked. Everything that he's been doing that freaks me out suddenly freaked him out, too! He realized that for the past five years, he has only used his heart as a guide and never paid attention to his mind. He realized that a mission needs to be his focus—not me. It was amazing.

I really could spend the rest of my life with him. However, I feel that way about Danzy also. However, we have a God of miracles and happy endings, so I know that if I make the right choices, I will end up with Jacob or someone as wonderful as Jacob.

I wonder if I will end up with Phatty or Danzy or some mystery man I've never met or maybe randomly Reed or Aaron or Brett or Nate. Wow. So many great guy friends. I've really been blessed with amazing men in my life.

I promised Jacob I would write down some things about him to remember and compare other guys to. He makes me smile so much my face hurts. I know I am his priority. He knows my favorite everythings or wants to learn. Our hands fit perfectly. He taught me how to enjoy kissing. He keeps my feet warm. He sits through hours of Alias and Smallville. He cars about my entire family. He loves my parents. He loves making me laugh. He's so strong. He likes Mandy.

On the other side, he asks obvious questions that have no answers other than "duh." He's too easy to tease. He doesn't catch on to my sarcasm. He doesn't have any career plans.

Jacob would be an amazing father. He taught me patience after I thought it was something I'd never learn. He lights me up.

Last Sunday, I thought I was going to die. Sometimes I really feel like it would be no great loss to anyone if I died. Today a car flew around the corner right when I was crossing the street. If I had left my house a few seconds sooner that would have been it. I didn't feel a thing. It didn't scare me. I just thought, "hmm . . . that was close." I didn't even stop walaking.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Stephen's Letter

Stephen sent me a four-page typed letter trying to convince me that the LDS Church was wrong and that the Catholic Church was right. It made me cry. There were so many anti, completely false claims that I didn't really know what to do. I felt so bad for his confusion. It makes me so, so sad. He used to respect me for not being a hypocrite and living my religion, but now he thinks I'm a brain washed, sinning fool going to Hell. Being friends with someone sure gets complicated as you get older.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I loved you, Jacob

So, I'm at Institute, and it's held in Mt. Desert Island HS. I go to the bathroom and one door says "Boys Restroom" and the other says "Girls." I love that we are smart enough to know that a door with a gender on it is a bathroom. :) So, I'm looking in the mirror, and I look up and see this huge sign: "You're looking at someone that could get AIDS." Ah! Not a surprise that I was expecting. Then in smaller words, I read "Abstinence is the only way to be 100% safe, but condoms and spermicide do reduce the risk." I don't even know what a spermicide is. Horrible. Ah! High schools should teach only abstinence.

I was sitting in institute learning about the types of revelation when I was struck with the feeling that I should break up with Jacob. I can't handle the distance, and I don't want to be a distraction. His focus should be his mission, testimony, and spirituality—not me. Whenever I pray about it, I feel peace, and I know I'm making the right decision. It just really hurts the rest of me, because I really like him. I have to do it though. I'm still not ready for be in a relationship. I'm not a person worthy of guys like him yet.

I got so much Happy Birthday mail yesterday. It was wonderful. Both of my brothers remembered. Danzy sent me the nicest card, "I am also grateful for you, Michelle. Your letters always seem to come at the right time and say the right things. In addition, seeing your name on an envelope brings a smile to my face every time, just because it's you."

Sunday, June 26, 2005

One Flesh

Genesis 2:24
ONE FLESH

Will I ever trust myself and someone else to become as "one flesh"? Will I ever be able to give someone that much power in my life? It sounds so wonderful and amazing, but it doesn't seem like something I will ever allow myself to experience. Oh, sometimes I wish I weren't the one in charge of my life, because I'm so messed up.

My birthday was nice. Jacob's present kind of freaked me out though. It was a little much. Three bags of candy, a DVD, a CD, and a huge photo frame with pictures of him and I. It seemed like something an engaged person would have. It's beautiful, but it shows too much time. His mission should be his priority—not me.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

I'm older than elders!

Today totally feels like a Friday. I keep forgetting that I have church tomorrow. Chris, Nicole, Alison, Amy, Toby, Melissa, and I had dinner with Elder Dewey and Jackson. It was delicious. Elder Jackson turns twenty next Saturday. It was the first time that a missionary I didn't know before he was a missionary was younger than me. It was really weird. I'm older than elders! We went to Sand Beach after dinner. It was really pretty, but I was getting eaten alive, so I had to leave. Haha. I can't handle the skeeters.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Mormon

It's so weird to be here where there are even fewer Mormons than Indiana. It's also weird that everyone I know doesn't already know I'm Mormon. My coworkers have some really good questions. I'm going to start praying for better responses or answers that they will accept and at least semi-understand. Stephen called today. He brought up marriage again, if I would become Catholic. He said he wrote me a four-page letter about our religions, but he hasn't mailed it yet, because he didn't want me to get it around my birthday. That makes me kind of nervous . . .

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

MAINE

oh my gosh. there is so much to say and i am already seven minutes over the amount of time that i am allowed to be on this computer. it's insane. why is there internet in only like one place in this town? well i guess we have it at work, but i haven't figured out where yet.
okay so maine!
rocky precipes, beautiful mountains, turgid oceans, rocky and sand beaches, the cutest shops and restaurants ever, seals, whales, puffins, this place is great.
it has everything except for all of my wonderful friends!!!! so come visit me and make this place perfect!
i live in a barn (wild huh?) it's not as barn-like as i thought it would be though. i get my own room which is nice. it's kind of weird here though, monday was in the nineties and humid as all get out, but today it's in the fifties and raining. like the 50s! i haven't felt that kind of weather in forever! okay so i have to get off because the girl that signed up after me is wanting the computer but i love you all and i'll try to write more later

16 Holland Ave
Bar Harbor, ME 04609
write me and i'll write you back!! promise

Thursday, May 26, 2005

no internet?!

so i was back in utah for this past week and a half. my roommates were busy getting everything ready for their wedding. since i had to bring a bunch of stuff home for the summer i had to drive so that i could have enough room so four days of that week and a half was just driving. but yeah so since we were driving it took forever and --no internet-- then i get to my apartment and find out that we apparently didn't get internet for this month so --no internet-- for even longer so i have been severly internet deprived.
*shout out* to jacob jackson for checking my email for me and then reading them over the phone.
so my roommates/cousins are both married now. melissa cannon and sarah marble. kind of weird. i'm really happy for them though. being a bridesmaid was a blast. if i can narrow it down to one picture i will post it on here. there were a lot of pictures taken though.
oh yeah i dyed my hair again. i'm not a brunette anymore.
why does life have to be full of so many choices?! i'm so sick of them. especially when someone always loses no matter what scenario is picked.
so i find out on friday whether we're going "grease" or "it's a bird, it's a plane, it's superman" i kind of hope it's superman... i wonder what part I'll get in which ever play the director's choose to do.
i hope jacob's arm is okay. he goes to the doctor tomorrow (well i guess today since it's almost two in the morning) he might have to have surgery on it. darn basketball.

WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING JUST WORK OUT?!

i had a deep talk with one of my friends today randomly. we were sitting in a catholic church listening to one of my friends practice the songs he and his cousin are singing at his sister's catholic wedding this saturday. sitting in the church made my friend and i think about religious things. we have really different points of view because i was raised LDS (mormon) and he was raised with no set religion. his parents thought he should get to chose for himself (but they raised him vegetarian regardless of whether he wanted to or not, so i think that's kind of interesting) but yeah so they didn't teach him anything. he just took it upon himself to go to bible school while he was in high school because he wanted to learn about christianity. he has picked a specific religious sect but he's looking. anyway so we got talking about abortion and homosexuality and war and the afterlife and it was really nice to actually talk to someone about beliefs and things that matter. so many conversations these days just are lacking intelligence and are just full of superfluous things.

i really, really have to go to bed.
and oh yeah, i'm really annoyed with how i say "good" when i'm supposed to say "well"

1: How did your year go?
2: Good.

AGH i'm so wrong to say that. I should have said "well" but it was too late and i sounded like an idiot and TWO people definitely corrected me at the same time. but hey at least they know what i should have said. i need to work on grammar. but i really don't feel like capitalization and the works are needed for this blog.

oh yeah when we were driving through colorado there was a store that said it sold "dry goods and notions" does anyone know what a notion is? i don't really have a notion what it could be.

***you had me at hello***

Friday, May 13, 2005

dream ugh

i had a horrible dream last night. it made me wonder if i am insecure about something right now.
so in my dream one of my best friends stole my boyfriend, my sister's love, all of my friends, singing career, and hottest dresses. then she framed me for murder and everyone believed her.
it was horrible. it was so believable that no guy could ever want me more than her. my boyfriend picking her was definitely the worst part. worse than the murder part.
and then my sister!
and my friends!
and my voice!
and my clothes
it was like dang girl... just shoot me.
so then i stood up one of my friends this morning because i still felt so horrible about the dream and hadn't actually realized that it wasn't real so i stood her up.
now that i realize that i am awake now and none of those things have happened, i feel really guilty about standing her up. but how am i going to explain that i had an evil dream about her???
hm... maybe she'll find it funny... flattering?

Monday, May 9, 2005

family

so i was able to go to richmond today. it was pretty nice to see a bunch of the cousins, aunts, uncles, and of course the wonderful grandparents.
i also went to indianapolis with the male cousins and my brothers. they're moving from muncie, richmond, and lafayette and buying a house together in indy. wow. there are some... "special" houses for sale there...
lets just leave it at that.
*cough*
so yeah. i love being home.
i love courtney workman.
it was so great seeing emily again.
and of course, bri, always a pleasure!!

Friday, May 6, 2005

delta jazz band

worth flying home early for.
it was great guys. i feel so worthless about missing it last year.
this year's was amazing good great
i think the best part was watching jacob's face whenever the guest musician (coffin or something... he was amazing) whenever he played something incredible jacob would get that look on his face. it was great.
there was a really, really talented junior named joy there too. wow. she composes music.
amazing how much talent there is lurking around in some people just waiting to be encouraged.
the dewitts were there too because sarah's boyfriend elliot was in the jazz band. he did really well too. it was cute watching her watch him do his thing.
*shout out* to all of those peeps that made the evening's performance great. it may have been the first band concert *cough* that i didn't fall asleep during
(never call it a band concert in jacob's presence... it's like a jazz show or the super sonic jazz extravaganza or something to that effect)

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

secrets

so one of the bad things about coming home is you start finding about all of the horrible things that happened to your beloved friends while you were gone that they never told you about because they knew it would just flip you out because you're across the country and can do absolutely nothing to help them. at least they trust you and love you enough to tell you when you get back. too bad they're not all like that. it's lovely to have to find out from other friends. i love you guys!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

101

wow that's a lot of blog entries!
so i drove up to lafa yesterday to chill with ames. it's kind of weird to have so many people that i don't really know call me "meems" and "mims" usually just good friends call me those. but they all know me from my sister who calls me those so they do too. it works i suppose.
s.j. is staying at my house in utah until she can move into her apartment. i wish i could have seen her.
big sad news... so my left hand is all swollen. i was picking amy up from the institute today with some of her friends when she slammed the front door shut on three of my fingers, right across the middle knuckle. the door was completely shut for a bit because like at first my brain couldn't believe that it was happening then i started crying because it hurt so bad and then i started screaming my head off because the pain was NOT going away then everyone was like "why are you screaming?!" (because i was like howling -- it was massive/scary) finally amy figures out that i'm screaming that my fingers are shut in the door but she doesn't believe me because she shut her door so long before i started screaming. so she finally opens it and kristy tells her to go get ice so amy sprints into the toot and gets me some ice and we're on our way. it took me a while to stop crying. it took amy a while to calm down because she kept hearing my scream in her head and it was horrible. stephen greiner called me a little bit later and i told him what happened but the reception was bad and he thought i said that amy had run over three of our cats instead of slammed the door on three of my fingers. jajajaja
so yeah i iced them for forever and now they're just a bit swollen and mangled. amy has a dented (or as she says "demented") finger right now too because she BROKE A SHOVEL while we were weeding the toot yesterday. how is that even possible?
stacy called me yesterday and wants me to audition for the part of Sandy in Grease that she is directing this summer. hmmm...

Monday, April 25, 2005

out of control ridiculous

forget saving money for a car... i better start saving now for a new pair of jeans...


Who Pays $600 for Jeans?
By GUY TREBAY

Blue jeans have suddenly shed their proud proletarian roots and turned into a status buy. Denim trousers with $200 price tags are now the norm.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/21/fashion/thursdaystyles/21denim.html?ex=1114833600&en=a84bceedf3b6cc8c&ei=5070

Sunday, April 24, 2005

um snow?

so yeah. it's definitely snowing. i cannot believe that it is snowing. you've got to be kidding me. i like left utah and came to indiana where it was in the eighties and now it's snowing. stupid cold fronts... bleah.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

home

crazy weird.
i'm home. i'm really happy to be back but it's kind of weird in a way too.
like i'm back with my parents after living on my own. i like that my mom cooks me food again, but i don't like that it's their house, not mine. if you know what i mean, however i am still just in college so it's okay. it's worth it to be home and they're not trying to run my life or anything, it's just weird to feel "demoted" even though they really haven't done anything to demote me. yeah i'm certifiably weird
i got to see some old friends last night and it was really fun. i love all of you! i hope i get to see more people soon
i have to get a job or i will go out of my mind in boredom and that is NOT allowed
i miss some of my utah friends. i'm mad at christian though.
smallville season three rocked my world
i'm afraid to call a lot of my old friends -- specifically the ones that i haven't been able to stay in contact with. i love them and want to see them but i'm (probably unreasonably) worried that they don't care about me anymore. we'll find out i suppose. good thing i love myself...

it's nice to be home sweet home -- kind of surreal though.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

DANCIN' WITH MYSELF

okay i'm totally getting down in the middle of the library on campus!
i want to jump from tables and swing around poles!
i thought i was going to flunk my american heritage final exam, because i had received a C and a D on the other exams for that class (and if you know me you know that is NOT the kind of grades i usually get) but yeah i just took it and i totally got an 83% and i just looked online and i got a 94% on my huge paper for the class so life is good again

*huge goofy grin*

beijao com feijao!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

dream

so jajaja okay my dream last night.
i'm playing soccer with a bunch of friends. but in a weird like old barn and to get from one half of the soccer field to the other you have to go through this rickety door. it was weird, but fun. so my cell phone kept ringing during the game but i didn't want to answer it because i was playing. so finally one of my friends that wasn't playing answered it and it was my mission call! i was being sent to Greece! random, i don't know anyone that have ever served in Greece. i'm assuming it's an area that is open to us though. so yeah... then nalini, diana, christian, and i had to go to a different city to meet up with some friends. i'm the one driving. but as soon as i get on the freeway all of the cars around me are driving at the speed of light! so i have to speed up too, which speed of course causes my length to contract in the direction I'm moving and our mass to increase. crazy madness huh. so it's scary driving that fast and i didn't really like this part of the dream because the road kept changing so i had to keep switching lanes so that i wouldn't end up off of the freeway. so we made it to where we were going and all of our friends are there and we celebrate my mission call to greece.
random dream.
funny thing is when i woke up i didn't remember that my mission call to greece was just a dream so i'm eating cereal thinking about my upcoming mission and then i come back to reality and remember i'm not old enough yet. jajaja

Friday, April 15, 2005

doente

eu estou doente e eu acho que eu vou morrer! que tristeza. eu quero TIRAR minha cabeza.
okay seriously. i am sick. BLEAH.
BUT...

i fly home next week!
like i have no way to express how excited I am! I haven't really told anyone yet because I was going to surprise everyone, but I called my dad on Monday and asked him if he would please fly me home and not make me wait a month like we were planning and he said okay!!!!!!!!!! So yeah, now the people that know will be my faithful blog readers. You guys are wonderful. And by you guys I mean Eric Boyce and Courtney Workman. Jk, there are other people that read it too. *grins* Seriously though, I am so pysched. I've gotten through three finals and I've only got four to go and then I'm home baby!

Can't wait to see you!
(I'm kind of sad about leaving at the same time)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

you know you're from indiana when...

You Know You're From Indiana When...
*You drive for three hours and the scenery outside doesn't change.
*There's three feet of snow on the ground and school is still in session.
*You only go to the mall once a year 'cause it takes too long to get there.
*A trip to Wal-Mart is considered "going into town" and is a privilege.
*While driving all you see is corn.
*People still have Christmas decorations up at Easter.
*You start saying to yourself "More than corn in Indiana my butt."
*Anyone with a cell phone looks out of place.
*Walking through Wal-Mart with two carts full of kids is normal.
*Anyone with a tan is rich.
*The hip hang-out place is McDonald's or Steak&Shake.
*There really is more than corn in Indiana. There's soybeans, too.
*A party consists of flashlight tag, capture the flag, euchre, doritos, and the movie "Princess Bride."
*A restaurant has an invisible wall in the non-smoking section, and you believe it works.
*Speeding consists of 2 miles over the speed limit.
*You think you don't have to use a turn signal on your car, because you don't use it on your tractor.
*You build your dream house on a cornfield, and you considered it posh.
*You warsh your clothes and you think George Warshington was the first president.
*You're proud to be called a Hoosier, even if you don't know what one is.
*A "hill" is either a speed bump or where an old train track used to be.
*You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Terre Haute"
*Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second.
*Ruff isn't a sound a dog makes, its the thing over your head.
*You can stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off, and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops all in the same day.
*You say things like "catty-wumpus" and "kitty-corner."
*You own a dirtbike or a ATV.
*John Deer is the biggest name brand around.
*You live in a city ... and there's a cornfield in your backyard.
*High school basketball game draws a bigger crowd on the weekend nights than movie theaters.
*You can see at least 2 basketball hoops from your yard.
*You can name every one of Bob Knight's "exploits" over the last few years.
*You shop at Marsh.
*You work at Marsh.
*Damon Bailey was your childhood hero.
*The biggest question of your youth was "IU or Purdue?"
*Indianapolis is the "big city."
*"Getting caught by a train" is a legitimate excuse for being late to school.
*People at your high school chewed tobacco.
*Everyone knows who the town cop is, where he lives, and whether he is at home or on duty.
*You actually know what the CART vs IRL debate is about and have taken a side.
*To you, a raccoon is simply a "coon."
*The vehicle of choice in your area is not a car, but a pickup.
*The most rebelious teens get in the spring is chalking driveways and TPing.
*Someone you know is BIG John Mellencamp fan.
*You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival.
*To you, a tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded piece of pork served on a bun with pickles.
*You call a green bell pepper a "mango."
*Sometimes, you call the toilet the "commode" or the "stool."
*High school senior pranks invovle farm animals
*In the fall, one of your favorite pranks was corning cars.
*You know what FFA and 4H stand for.
*You know what chip-and-seal is, and your high school was located on just such a road.
*You go the county fair every night of its week-long duration.
*You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
*There's actually a college near you named "Ball State."
*The last "g" is silent in any word ending in "ing."
*You think the state Bird is Larry.
*You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Indiana.

I would say about the majority of these are true for me. I'm sure the rest are true for other people from Indiana... like people from Blackford or Wes Del. ;) We do love those people!
I liked the one about Ball State and there being more people at the high school basketball games then the movie theater.

Monday, April 4, 2005

crappy but happy

oh man. so my weekend had a lot of bad things happen but for some reason i feel great. i don't know why i'm happy...

it began friday morning. i stayed up until three reading a book that had the worst ending of my life so it totally wasn't worth it. then i slept in because i didn't hear my alarm clock go off so i missed two classes. one of them i really needed to go to because we took a quiz and i've already missed four quizzes in that class bc of getting there late or having like dancesport and i entered the class two weeks late. so crap. then i had my first job interview of my life. it was a group interview. i like started crying the first question they asked me and then i gave three answers. like i started telling two stories and then stopped saying wait that's not what you wanted and then finally i finished my third story but it didn't really work either.
friday evening i found out that my newest crush has a girlfriend which makes me angry at him for hitting on me. one of the other guys that i kind of liked didn't know my name. i was just the "gringa" great. another guy to add to the "luzir rule" jajajaja so i'm not pleased so i get moroni to take me home and while we're leaving i see a guy that i did want to dance with. shucks.

saturday begins and it's general conference weekend. so that's a good thing. bad part. bridesmaids buy their own dresses. i didn't know that. i thought if i bought it i would get to help pick it out. but whatever so yeah i spent 136 on a lavender prom dress looking dress. whatever. then sarah and melissa are in a... tension... sarah is getting married may 20th to jeff. melissa is getting married mary 21st to kyle. sarah is melissa's matron of honor. jeff wants to leave on his honeymoon right after melissa's wedding. melissa wants sarah to stay for pictures and the reception. sarah thinks melissa is lucky she's even staying for the wedding. melissa doesn't understand why her best friend and sister doesn't want to be there for what is like the most important moment of her life. i am their roommate that is getting pulled into the struggle, but it's a very female problem. males would have talked about it or punched each other or something. sarah and melissa just talk to me, their fiancees and their mom about it. then their mom talks to the other daughter about it. it's a scandal. all that has been figured out so far is that sarah didn't have to buy the 136 dollar dress that she would only wear for like five minutes. i did get sarah to help me clean the house on saturday to work her frustration out so that's a plus.

today i've spent the whole day with my roommates and their fiancees (not at the same time of course) again and i'm up to here pretty much. and now i'm home alone and have been for a few hours. man do i wish i had a car. i could be at the party with sarah jeff kyle melissa but i've had enough of being the spare tire in the trunk. (i'm not a third wheel because i'm the fifth).

but conference was excellent.

tomorrow i have to perform "summertime" in my vocal class. i'm a bag of nerves. i also have to give a TEN MINUTE portuguese presentation of a book. i have nothing to say for an entire ten minute segment. suck. it's like part of my final too...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

new friend

so you know how i always have fifty million crushes plus two? well one of them was named david. he's a really spiffy guy in my ward with brilliantly red hair (can't beat that). so i liked him and he's in my FHE group. i never got super close to him though because i liked him, but then one day i was talking to him and found out he had a girlfriend and i was like oh that sucks (which is weird because i never would have done anything about it anyway). but so now that he's taken i've been able to become his friend and he's doing my a favor by playing the piano for me for my voice class and i helped him out with some service projects he was in charge of and now we're just like good friends and i really enjoy talking to him. he's 23 (danny's age) and he has a little sister my age (but he actually thought i was older, which is a miracle because no one thinks i am older) so i don't know. something that sucked has now turned into something much better because i never would have gotten to know him if i still liked him. (because i'm weird like that) but no yeah he thought i acted older than 19, but he did admit that i looked younger than 19. lol i don't think i'll ever look my age but that's okay there are worse problems i could have,
i love suzy boyce!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

no freaking way

so i open my mail and a nice bill for the phone company pops out. they want $110. oh my gosh. are they serious? okay so in january i try to get a landline right? i go and buy a phone and then i wait for a month but they still haven't activated it and they go oh sorry someone put a hold on your account. and i'm like okay why? then they find out that they wrote my address down wrong but never called me to find out what my real address is. so they push the date back and say that they'll have it activated some time in february. well february comes and goes and it's still not connected so at this point i'm like whatever nevermind. i still check my phone like every other day to make sure there still isn't a dial tone. now i get this bill in the mail but i have never even used the phone. so i'm like how can they charge me out of the blue when i don't even have a dial tone. so i go around the house plugging my phone into other phone sockets and lo and behold one of them does have a dial tone. screwed. so i've had it this whole time without using it or knowing it but i still have to pay the phone company 110 dollars. peeps it's the end of the month and the end of the semester i don't have that kind of spare cash lying around.
i am severly ticked off.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

food

so i'm definitely a social eater. i think that that might be unhealthy for me. apparently it is the most healthy to eat like five or six small healthy meals a day rather than three big ones, so i imagine it's even worse to just eat one big one a day... i just don't have a lot of time to eat, or rather i don't feel like making time for it. things will be different next semester though because my new roommate diana is definitely going to make me eat more regularly. she's a cool girl.
i'm just chillaxin' at christian's house right now. we went to eat and now we're waiting for his family to call him so we can go get diana and go (you'll never guess) latin dancing. shocker. do i do anything else on the weekends?
yeah so don called again. i'm definitely going on a date with him tomorrow. i was kind of trying to avoid it because i don't know. i was just trying to avoid it but he called me again so yeah. i'm sure it will be fun though. he invited me to do something with him tonight, but i already had plans and i think two nights in a row might be a little over done. yeah though... now i'm just rambling. okay i'm stopping
I LOVE YOU WORLD!