Wednesday, October 19, 2005

life and school are hard

This semester is making me hate Portuguese. My Portuguese grammar teacher is expecting us to already know everything. She's reviewing instead of teaching. How can I know it if no one taught it to me?! I think for the first time in my life I am going to do poorly enough that I have to retake a class. Failure happens, and I can't be perfect, but I can't help but wonder if this is happening because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm taking a really heavy load of classes and doing volunteer work and trying to be a girlfriend to the most wonderful boyfriend I've ever had.

Sometimes I entertain the idea that I need to spend less time with him and more with my books.

He almost broke up with me yesterday. This may sound weird, but it was an amazingly spiritual experience for me. As he was talking and crying, I just kept feeling this overwhelming feeling of peace and warmth. It was as though someone was holding me and whispering, "there, there Michelle, it's going to be okay. You are strong enough to handle any outcome and everything is going to work out."

I know that even if Jeffrey did break my heart I would survive. I knew (know) that dating Jeffrey was the right thing to do. I am so grateful for everything that he has already taught me. He has introduced me to a healthy relationship. He's shown me that it is possible to be happy while dating, only like one person, and have someone respect and cherish you. It's been amazing.

I also knew that if Jeffrey decided to toss me back (as long as I kept following the Spirit's promptings) that I would find some other guy as wonderful as Jeffrey or even more wonderful (if that's possible). It was a complete understanding of what I told Jacob Jackson when I broke up with him. God takes care of His saints who take care of His sheep. He gives us so much for so little.

Jeffrey ended up deciding to still date me and come to meet my parents. I lost the Spirit a little and started turning back into the Mimi that expects guys to hurt her and who over analyzes everything, but I knew that would make me unhappy and wouldn't be fair to Jeffrey, so I prayed for the ability to trust and regain my earlier peace, and I received it.

I'm so happy to be Jeffrey's.

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