Nursing

Interesting note: I nurse. My children do not nurse. I can breastfeed, and my children can also breastfeed. So, the proper usage of to nurse (in this regard) only works for the mother to do, but the verb to breastfeed works for the mother and baby to both do.

Anyway, it should be pretty apparent what has been on my mind recently.

I have spent a lot of the last four years of my life nursing. Jill weaned around fifteen months old. Danny weaned around eighteen months old. Alice, obviously, has not weaned yet. But of the past 48 months, 35 of them have been spent nursing. (And the remaining 13 were spent pregnant—and some months were spent pregnant and nursing!  My poor body needs a break.) So, I'll state the obvious and say I've been nursing a lot.

Having an exclusively breastfed baby requires some creativity when it comes to nursing. (Jill would take a bottle—Danny refused to take a bottle until he weaned. Alice, so far, doesn't like it anymore. She took two bottles in her first week of life, and now she shuns them.) So, I've nursed in a lot of places: cars, bathrooms, libraries, baseball games, Walmarts, restaurants, park benches, camp grounds, malls, balconies, mothers' lounges, etc. When your baby is hungry, you really can't be picky.

When nursing in public, you witness various reactions from those who notice what you are doing.

For Jill's birthday, we went to the National Zoo. Alice got hungry during the middle of our trip and naturally wanted to eat. Jeff took Jill and Danny to go see more animals, and I got to breastfeed Alice. The zoo was very crowded that day (it probably is every day), and the sun was really beating down, so I wanted to nurse in the shade. We went in the women's restroom, and there was an empty bench that seemed pretty ideal. (Anything is better than sitting on a toilet seat to nurse. Standing up to nurse isn't very much fun either. Your arms get tired.)

The location of the bench, though, ensured that every single woman going to the bathroom would walk past me, because it was in between all of the stalls and the sinks. So you couldn't wash your hands without seeing me. Some women averted their eyes. Some women never noticed me. Some looked very uncomfortable. The teenaged and young adult women looked the most awkward.

Some of the responses were pretty cool though. They would smile at me or give me a thumbs up or just not look awkward. Their reactions helped me remember that I was simply doing something as wonderful and natural as keeping my baby alive with the milk my body magnificently produces—not picking my nose or pulling down my pants to pluck a wedgie or something.

The looks I don't like are the ones that remind me of a character I read in a book a few months ago.

"In the ten years since the Garretts moved next door, Mom hardly ever looked out the side windows of our house without huffing an impatient breath. Too many kids on the trampoline. Bikes abandoned on the lawn. Another pink of blue balloon tied to the mailbox, waving haphazardly in the breeze. Loud basketball games. Music blaring while Alice and her friends tanned. The bigger boys washing cars and spraying each other with hoses. If not those, it was Mrs. Garrett, calmly breast-feeding on the front steps, or sitting there on Mr. Garrett's lap, for all the world to see. 

'It's indecent,' Mom would say, watching.

'It's legal,' Tracy, future lawyer, always countered, flipping back her platinum hair. She'd station herself next to Mom, inspecting the Garretts out the big side window of the kitchen. 'The courts have made it absolutely legal to breast-feed wherever you want. Her own front steps are definitely fair game.' 

'But why? Why do it at all when there are bottles and formula? And if you must, why not inside?'

'She's watching her other kids, Mom. It's what she's supposed to do,' I'd sometimes point out, making my stand next to Tracy.

Mom would sigh [and] shake her head . . ." —My Life Next Door by Huntley Fitzpatrick

I don't like thinking about opinions like that.

As I was saying, I was sitting in the bathroom, watching the various reactions, feeling hot and sticky (because it was hot and humid), feeling impatient with how long she was nursing, and wishing that I was with Jeff and my kids enjoying the zoo, when a woman came right up to me, and said, "Way to go, Mom! My kids are in their thirties now, and time spent nursing is still among my most treasured memories with them."

Then she walked away.

Her comment really pulled me out of my pity party of nursing-makes-me-hot-and-sweaty and nursing-makes-me-miss-out-on-fun-stuff and nursing-takes-too-long and nursing-makes-me-expose-myself-in public, and it helped me remember how awesome nursing really is. My body can keep a baby alive! I can make milk! I can create life and then sustain it. Isn't that amazing? My baby will only be a baby for such a short time, and right now I can meet all of her demands, and help her grow healthy and strong, and have these special times where I really am her whole world, when she's latched on to me with her bright blue eyes looking deep into mine as she occasionally smiles and coos.

It's really quite wonderful.

What a blessing to be able to nurse!

Some beautiful nursing mamas.

(I am the only one actually nursing during this photo, but my sister and sisters-in-law did all nurse their sweet babies.)

And then . . . there are also moments like today. For some reason, I forgot to include a vital element in my outfit before leaving for church. So . . . when my milk let down at church today, I ended up with two delightful large circles of wetness on my cute dress. Sigh. That's about as awkward as I've felt in a long time. I held Alice in front of me so no one could see the wetness, but then she got fussy and Jeff took her from me in a gallant effort to be helpful and give me a break. Then I quickly grabbed a blanket and hugged it to my chest for about half an hour.

I had extra nursing pads in my diaper bag, so I was able to put them on to prevent further leaking, but my bra was still soaking wet. The spots finally dried though, but then I got Alice back from Jeff. Holding her pushed my dress up against my wet bra, which gave me new damp spots on the exterior of my dress. Delightful.

So, yes, nursing is awesome and miraculous and wonderful. But sometimes . . . it can be a little less-than-wonderful.

And it can be painful. About a week ago, latching on and nursing finally stopped being painful. I remember it took about six weeks with Danny, but with Alice it took eight. Bummer. But we've finally figured it out, and it doesn't hurt anymore! Yay rah!

Note: I do not think formula is evil or poison. I personally enjoy nursing my children, and that is what works best for me. It's fun, and it's always the perfect temperature, and it's easy to transport, and it's a lot cheaper. :) But I recognize it is not what works out for all families.


So, do you have any heart-warming nursing memories?

Or have you done anything to embarrass yourself recently? :)

I'll Never Leave You

Danny has been pretty hard to put down for sleeping recently. Well, all day actually. He frequently puts his little arms up in the air, with his fingers stretched out, and sweetly says "Carry Me." This has been going on a few months now. I originally attributed it to how sick he got in December and January, but we're in May now. Perhaps it could have stemmed from that and was then compounded by gaining a baby sister and moving to a new house, but he is super clingy.

Today, we were going on a walk as a family, exploring our new neighborhood. At one point, Danny, Alice, and I stayed at the playground while Jeff and Jill went to go find the other pool. (There are two different ones we can use.) They returned, and after a while I wanted to go see the other pool. Jill came with me, and we started walking away. Once Danny noticed my departure, he started to cry and ran after us, really upset. Jeff started calling Danny "Momma's boy" instead of "Danny."

I had never thought about it before, but perhaps Danny isn't just being clingy. Maybe I have a "momma's boy." I remember when I was pregnant with Danny, one of my friends who has only boys told me I would be surprised by how much boys love their mommies. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, because Jill really loves me, and I didn't see how a son could love me more than my daughter. However, I think I am understanding now what she means. Jill obviously still loves me, but she shows it in a different way than Danny.

It is pretty sweet.

Sometimes frustrating.

But very endearing.

And it has culminated into him being very difficult to fall asleep. For instance, we flew home from Nebraska yesterday, and the poor boy was traveling on only four hours of sleep, because whenever I left his bedroom the night before, he would completely flip out and just cry and scream until I returned, but I needed to get things done like nurse Alice, help her go to sleep, do laundry, take a shower, and pack our suitcase. So it took Danny a really long time to fall asleep.

Last night, I read five books and sang Jill and Danny songs for about half an hour. Then I kissed them good night and walked out. Danny freaked out again. I didn't know what to do, because even being in there didn't help him actually fall asleep, and I didn't want it to take three hours again like the night before. I thought maybe he would just get exhausted and fall asleep (as harsh as that sounds). Jeff ended up going in there though, and whatever he did worked.

I asked Jeff today what his secret was, and Jeff said that all he did was tell Danny that Mommy was not going anywhere and that she would be here when he woke up.

That was it!

So, tonight, Jeff and I read stories, we said prayers, and then I sang songs. Jill actually fell asleep while I was still singing. Danny was restless. He was on top of his blankets, he was upside down (his feet were by his headboard), and he had his pillow on top of him. I thought I was in for another long night of hysterics. I stopped singing and told him it was time to go to bed. He put his pillow back where it went, put his head on it, and covered himself with his blankets. I smothered him with kisses and whispered in his ear. I said, "I will never leave you, and when you wake up in the morning, we are going to have a super fun day."

There were no hysterics. He did mumble to himself a little bit, but he fell asleep without leaving his bed again and without screaming or crying.

So all he seemed to need was the reassurance that I wouldn't disappear while he slept.

I felt really sad about telling him that I would never leave him. I have no intention to ever leave him, but there is so much in this life that is unpredictable, which I cannot prepare for. I can do everything I can to stay alive: take medicine when I'm sick, never jaywalk, never drink and drive, never smoke, keep a fire extinguisher in my kitchen, lock my doors, and never walk alone in dark alleys at night. But there are still so many factors I have no control over. It reminded me of friends who ended up widowed and alone even though their spouses did not engage in risky behaviors.

And it also reminded me that he would grow up and leave me someday. That my reassurance would be completely unnecessary, because he would not need me that way anymore.

So, for the first night in weeks, my kids went to bed really easily without completely exhausting me to the core and testing my patience in every imaginable way, but I still couldn't enjoy it, because I was too busy feeling sad for my friends who have been single parents and for orphans everywhere and for children who grow up and leave home.

I need to get better at being able to enjoy the moment and finding happiness even though this world is full of so many sad things. Feeling sad isn't very useful.

Danny, I promise I will never abandon you, and I will love you forever.

On a side note, while it has been really difficult to get Danny to fall asleep or just stay in his bed recently, there was one really funny incidence when I was staying at my sister's house in Nebraska. One rowdy night, Danny was discovered in bed with his cousin Hanna. He had gone downstairs, grabbed a loaf of bread, crept into her room, and sneaked into her bed. Isn't that funny? What a crazy party!!! BYOB toddler style. Bread. Who knew?

Tonight, just a few minutes before I wrote this post, I was holding Alice as she was sleeping. Twice, she laughed in her sleep. It was so cute and beautiful. I wish I could have recorded that sound to listen to over and over again when she is grown and gone and too big to be cradled in my arms.

Anniversary

Another year has sneaked past me, and I am happy to say that I have been married for seven years! This has been an unusual anniversary for us, however. Jeff is in Africa on his first trip for work, and I am in Nebraska visiting my sister and her family. We both return home on April 30. That will mark the longest we've ever been apart since getting married, twelve days. The nice thing about living in 2013 is that even though my husband is in Zambia, I've been able to video chat with him! Internet is amazing. Lusaka is SO far away, and we can have a real-time conversation. Crazy. Do you ever feel like you're living in a science fiction movie? I do sometimes when I think about all of the technology that I take for granted.

Jeff and I went on respective "dates" for our anniversary. My sister and I went out for lunch and frozen yogurt in downtown Lincoln.  Jeff went on an African safari and pet lions. His was a bit more expensive than my date. :)

And a little trip down memory lane . . .

Gosh. Don't we look like kids? I remember when I was engaged and people would say how young I was, but I didn't feel young. I just felt ready to get married. Now I look at my wedding pictures and think, "goodness we were young!" And I'm not even old now, but we sure were kids back then.

I am really excited to hear more about Jeff's trip. He got to see Victoria Falls on the Zambia/Zimbabwe border. He got to meet the US ambassador for Zambia, and he has tried some new foods. I still can't believe he has touched lions!

My New Home

This is the eighth state I've lived in during my twenty-seven years, and one thing I've learned is that home (at least for movers like me) is much more than a place. It used to be my parents and siblings. And for a rough bit, it was just me and my stuff (college). And then home became Jeff, and now home is Jeff, Jill, Danny, and Alice. Thus, home for me now is Oak Hill, Virginia, right outside of Herndon, Virginia, located in Fairfax County, just half an hour outside of DC. (Or at least it would be half an hour, if you're driving at like 3:00 am and there is no traffic.)

If you read my last post, then you know I still have a ways to go before Northern Virginia fills the Cincinnati-sized hole in my heart, but I am looking for the positives of my new home, and there are a lot to be found. Sure, there are no Reds, no flying pigs, no Kings Island, no EnterTRAINment, no Union Township library, no Krogers, no Eastgate Ward, and no fenced-in yard, but let me share with you what I do love about this place.

I can walk to the grocery store in five minutes. It is actually faster to walk there than it is to get my kids in the car and drive on the streets. (When I walk, I can cut through the trees rather than drive all the way around.) I can walk to ten different restaurants. I can walk to Goodwill. We could walk to Chuck-E-Cheese if we wanted (and Jill definitely does!). I can walk to a lot of places, because there is a cute little shopping plaza right behind my house, complete with karate, a dentist, a spa, Gold's Gym, and more. Very convenient. I love walking.

I can also walk to the elementary school (where my children, as Caucasians, will be in a minority group, which is unexpected and interesting). I can walk to four small playgrounds and one larger playground. I can walk to two swimming pools.

It's a good thing I love to walk.

A five-minute car ride gets me to the park-and-ride lot where I can park for free (and where in a year or so a new metro stop will be built!). After parking, I can take the bus over to the metro and go pretty much anywhere in the city. Right now my kids are still free on the metro, so it is not very expensive. It takes a little longer to get places on the bus and metro, but I don't have to drive in traffic. I don't have to look for a parking spot. I don't have to parallel park. My kids can move around (they think the "train" is awesome), and I can nurse Alice instead of listening to her cry in her car seat. With Jill and Daniel in a double stroller, and Alice in her wrap, I am a woman on the go.

The metro can take me lots of places, and anything affiliated with the Smithsonian is free, so that is fabulous. There is a lot to see in DC.

Virginia has more flowering trees than I have ever seen (or at least noticed) anywhere else I have lived. I don't know if they are native here, or if the residents here just love to plant them (or both), but they are everywhere: cherry trees, Japanese cherry trees (obviously not native), magnolias, Bradford pear trees, and many others whose names I haven't learned yet.

Five minutes from my house is my church building.

Ten minutes from my house is a park with a nice playground, a carousel, and a Depression-era farm with live animals. And since it's spring, there are lots of baby animals there right now. :)

About twenty minutes from my house are waterfalls you can hike around.

Unfortunately, I am not very close to a library, but there are four within twenty minutes of my house, so I have been visiting the different ones trying to see which one is my favorite.

My house is three stories (without a basement), so I climb a lot of stairs every day and get a lot of exercise. I am not sure what we are going to do once Alice starts crawling. Perhaps get four baby gates. That is going to be annoying. Danny has fallen down the stairs three times, but that was all within our first two weeks here; he hasn't since then, thank goodness!

Oh, and Jeff's job. There are some frustrations, which I think are inevitable in the workplace, but being a government contractor is pretty cool so far. He gets to go on his first trip on Friday. He'll be in Zambia for twelve days! He and some coworkers are going to go see Victoria Falls on the weekend while they are there; that side trip will include a short river cruise and a safari! Like an African safari actually in Africa, not a safari called African because they imported animals to their safari. Haha. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I know he'll be working, but it seems like such an adventure—multiple vaccinations, malaria medicine, and all! We bought him a camera today, so he had better take pictures.

And my new ward is very friendly. Before we even moved here, we had been contacted by the Relief Society President, Compassionate Service Leader, Elder's Quorum President, and Ward Clerk. Our records were read in our first Sunday here. Our first day in town, five complete strangers showed up to help us unpack the moving truck and carry furniture up to our third story! I asked for two dinners. I received six! I also had people call and show up to help me unpack boxes. We already have home teachers, visiting teachers, our own routes, and callings. I've already been asked to sing and invited to attend book club and playgroup. Two days after I arrived, we had a Relief Society activity, and two different women called to offer me a ride. Whenever I've sat by myself, someone has sat by me. And we've had at least one play date every week with friends, much to Jill's satisfaction. (Granted that last part has a lot to do with how forward/pushy I can be, but everyone says yes and some invite me over to their homers!) I was even "kidnapped" one evening and driven around so I could be shown where things are. So, my ward is a really good example of how to welcome and fellowship. I'm looking forward to remembering names and really becoming part of the ward family. You never replace your old ward families, but luckily the heart always has room to grow and include more.

And one other really cool thing about living here—people come here! I've already been able to have two different families see me while they were on trips here. So that's fantastic. And you should plan your next vacation to come to Virginia/DC, too!

Riding the bus

At the zoo—that's free (courtesy of our tax dollars)! (photography by Jill)

more photography by Jill

We went to the zoo for Jill's birthday. It was an adventure. Note to self: When planning a trip, remember to figure out how to get home on the metro and not just how to get there . . . whoops!

Some of the flowering trees. I don't know what these ones are called. They were much more spectacular a week ago.

Can cherry trees have white blossoms? 

The blue door you see on the right, the first one, is my front door.

This tree is right across from my townhouse. I don't know what kind it is. 

The blossoms look like the carnation flower to me. Anyone recognize it?

So, while there are still days that are harder than others, I am focusing on the positive most of the time, and there are a lot of positives to find.

Which reminds me of another positive. I received a lot of sweet comments, text messages, and posts after my last blog post about how much I miss Cincinnati. Your love really means a lot to me. Thank you so much for loving me! :)

Long List of Missing

Sometimes I feel like life is just a long list of people I miss. I imagine that feeling is inescapable, because even if you never move, other people will move away from you, and then you still end up having people to miss.

I really like Virginia, but it's not comfortable yet. It's still all new and exciting. And I miss comfortable. I miss friends who already knew me. So I could joke around and laugh instead of make the joke and then apologize because I realize I don't really know them that well and I worry that perhaps they don't think jokes like that are funny.

It makes me sad to realize that none of my kids will remember living in Cincinnati. They are so young, and Danny may have already forgotten it. Jill still talks about it sometimes, but that will fade with time.

I wish I had more pictures of my friends. I look through my pictures, and they are almost all of my kids and my kids' friends.

I miss my library and one specific children's librarian who was amazing.

I miss friends who would do things like buy me Gatorade when I was sick or pick up groceries for me when I was busy and let me write them a check later or just come over and talk to me while I did my dishes or help me eat my leftovers so I didn't have to feel guilty about throwing so much away.

I miss already knowing who I trusted to babysit my children.

I miss grocery stores where I know which aisle to go in to find the tricky items, like pimentos, frozen ravioli, and barley.

I miss having in-laws just ten minutes away who always loved to see my children and always had dinner on the table.

I miss the YMCA with its great programs and the women working there who knew my children's names.

I miss knowing where everything was. I miss knowing where the parks are that have baby swings and which parks have mulch or grass or sand or rubber.

I miss sitting in Relief Society and knowing the face and some of the story of every woman in the room.

I miss familiar.

I miss comfortable.

I miss my old home.