Saturday, August 13, 2005

confusion

Man. Robbie (my manager) asked me if I would consider taking a semester off to stay out here and work. I'm very tempted. If I hadn't already paid for my apartment in Provo . . . and I don't want to make Suzy and Diana too sad.

So, Kevin and I are getting more serious. I feel kind of weird about it. What I mostly feel weird about is how dangerously I'm playing with his and my emotions. I really am attracted to him, but it can't be more than a summer thing, but I care about him. I can't be serious with him, because I'm 20. I need to stop just dating people and focus on marriage materials, but at the same time, the guys I would want to marry are all on missions.

I feel like I'm cheating on them, even though I've never even told Danzy that I could marry him. I don't even know if he thinks of me at all that way.

This Kevin thing doesn't fit in my plans. I'm breaking all my rules for him. Well not all. I still don't drink, smoke, swear, sleep around, watch bad movies, or dress immodestly, but I am dating someone who does those things. He and I have nothing in common except niceness and attraction.

Grr. What am I doing?

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