Monday, July 11, 2005

Good-bye Jacob

A girl named Alexa moved into the barn, so Melissa shares a room with me now sometimes. Mom and Dad have come and gone. I faced the facts that I have an eating problem. It's why I've been in constant pain for the past month. I haven't eaten enough food since I was 17, and now my body is punishing me. It used up my excess fat and is now tearing down my muscles to use as fuel. It's horrible. I have no energy ever. I feel like I'm dying. Eating makes me nauseous, and not eating makes me nauseous. So, I basically always feel horrible.

I broke up with Jacob last Monday, on July 4. He didn't handle it well for the first two days, but then he prayed about it and it all clicked. Everything that he's been doing that freaks me out suddenly freaked him out, too! He realized that for the past five years, he has only used his heart as a guide and never paid attention to his mind. He realized that a mission needs to be his focus—not me. It was amazing.

I really could spend the rest of my life with him. However, I feel that way about Danzy also. However, we have a God of miracles and happy endings, so I know that if I make the right choices, I will end up with Jacob or someone as wonderful as Jacob.

I wonder if I will end up with Phatty or Danzy or some mystery man I've never met or maybe randomly Reed or Aaron or Brett or Nate. Wow. So many great guy friends. I've really been blessed with amazing men in my life.

I promised Jacob I would write down some things about him to remember and compare other guys to. He makes me smile so much my face hurts. I know I am his priority. He knows my favorite everythings or wants to learn. Our hands fit perfectly. He taught me how to enjoy kissing. He keeps my feet warm. He sits through hours of Alias and Smallville. He cars about my entire family. He loves my parents. He loves making me laugh. He's so strong. He likes Mandy.

On the other side, he asks obvious questions that have no answers other than "duh." He's too easy to tease. He doesn't catch on to my sarcasm. He doesn't have any career plans.

Jacob would be an amazing father. He taught me patience after I thought it was something I'd never learn. He lights me up.

Last Sunday, I thought I was going to die. Sometimes I really feel like it would be no great loss to anyone if I died. Today a car flew around the corner right when I was crossing the street. If I had left my house a few seconds sooner that would have been it. I didn't feel a thing. It didn't scare me. I just thought, "hmm . . . that was close." I didn't even stop walaking.

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