Sunday, August 28, 2005

school starting soon

I'm glad that school is starting tomorrow, so I'll have something to take up my time. I need to find a job! Bethie W. called me today. I had e-mailed her my phone number. So, we're going to hang out some time. I need to get a hold of Maria. Jonathan R. transferred to UVSC. That was unexpected. I'll have to give him a call. I feel so lonely. I really miss Mandy (my cat). This BYU housing thing is not going so well. My roommates move my stuff around and want me to get rid of my chair, and they put my keyboard (piano) in the pantry closet. I wish all my stuff would get here. I miss my Muncie friends.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

back in town

It was weird hanging out with Jacob N. I was really attracted to him. I just wanted Jacob J. to get over me, and I just wanted Stephen to be happy. I miss the posse.

Because of Jacob J., I only got to spend 10 minutes with Danny and 5 minutes with Peter. I feel so cheated. I broke down and cried for the first time as I left my family.

I haven't had much contact with Kevin M. I've basically been living with the Cannons for the past few days. They are so amazing.

I've hung out with Marc from Maine twice now. I have a lot of fun with him. I can't date him though, because he's someone I actually could fall in love with and marry, and I want to give Danzy a chance. Who knows what could happen?

So after this summer, I have realized that I don't want to date some guys because I would never marry them, so it would just be a fling or very dangerous, so there's no point. The rest of the guys, I don't want to date, because I actually could marry them, and I want to see if Danzy and I are as compatible as I think we are.

Kevin C. is pretty cute and cleaning up his act.

I've missed Diana.

I'm really, really nervous about this school year, and how everything I need seems to be in Maine or Indiana. Life is definitely a learning experience.

I miss Mandy. She's living at the Cannon's house now.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

in utah, but not of utah

yes i'm definitely back in utah, but don't worry guys i am not and never will be of utah.
even though i am spending a lot of time in it.
i'm a hoosier.

okay shout out to my girls: c, chelle, bri, and ash

i really wish i could have seen t, ems, and carrie, but hey life happens right?

i got to see pretty much all of my boys which is good. btw does anyone know what happened to stevie ray?

i survived the flight here with mandy. it was questionable for a while there whether i was going to make it. mandy had an allergic reaction to the vaccines she had yesterday morning and the poor baby threw up and was foaming at the mouth so she couldn't keep her travel tranquilizer pill inside of her long enough for it to work. sadness. she seems to be better now that we're on land though and she had food, water, and a litter box. i am a little worried about the fact that she'll be living with a german shepard for the next four months... wow is that all this semester is? no wonder school flies by.

everything about indiana was beautiful. the weather was perfect and it was all so wonderfully flat. :) i loved it. i only wish i could have had enough time to say "hello" and "goodbye" at separate occasions instead of having to throw them together in one night. :( i also wish i could have seen danny for more than ten minutes and peter more than five minutes. i am really glad amy had time to drive down tuesday night to see me. my brothers are amazing. i wonder when they'll find two girls amazing enough to see it? peter thanks for calling and dan thanks for the hug and kiss.
i love you guys!

Last of Summer

Park City Mountain Resort—Alpine Slide

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


so i got in yesterday but it almost doesn't feel real. like i don't believe that i am home really. i got in yesterday afternoon and my suitcases had stayed in boston. here's what happened. i was supposed to fly out of bar harbor, but it was so foggy that the plane i was supposed to fly out on had never even been able to take off from where it was before to get there. so the airline put all of the people from the flight into a van and drove us to the bangor airport. while sitting on the runway i saw six fighter jets take off. it was so cool i felt like i was in a movie or something and we were going to war. they made so much noise though. so i got put on a different flight to boston and didn't have to go through rockland this time. then from boston my flights were normal, but i switched from u.s. airways to delta and my lay-over went from two hours to like ten minutes and apparently my suitcases didn't walk as fast as i did, but i did have to switch concourses so it was quite the trip. so yeah so they arrived at my house sometime between two a.m. and eight a.m. i'm not sure when exactly. weird huh?

so yeah so i'm sick and i had to wake up at 4:30 to catch my airport... van (hahaha) and i had only gone to bed at like 2:30 because i was with kevin so i was really tired so my mom set me up in the wood floor bedroom and then i fell asleep and didn't wake up until my mom woke me up at eight, but i still felt like crap and hadn't showered in a really long time so i just went back to sleep instead of fhe. then my parents came home and i hung out with them for a few hours.

so yeah i still haven't seen any of my friends and now i'm going to richmond to my grandparent's house and i'm going to try to fit all of my friends into seeing them tonight

because guess what? i fly out to utah tomorrow. o.m.g.

so yeah so it almost doesn't seem like i'm really home. my house is so different because my parents are painting it and fixing it up so they can sell it easier. i'm in a room that was not my old bedroom (but my old bedroom looks completely different) and it doesn't feel like i'm really here because i'm almost gone again. it makes me sad.

i hope i get to see everyone tonight, but what even is the point to see them just to be taken away from them again? i can't believe they put up with me. i love my friends.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Good-bye Maine

Brad D. helped me tape up my boxes. He is putting some of my things in the car he is driving out to school. Kelli (Bryce's girlfriend) and I drove to Waldeboro to pick Bryce and Kevin up from their grandpa's funeral. Kevin's father's family is from there. We passed Moody Motel and Moody's Diner. We ended up on Moody Island. Kind of cool, huh?

So, I met his grandmother and extended family. His father apparently really liked me the last time he met me and had talked to everyone about me, so everyone thought I was Kevin's girlfriend.

It's almost time to leave Maine. I'm really going to miss the people I've grown close to this summer: Raya, Tia, Kelli, Kevin . . .

I'm feeling anxious about seeing Stephen and Jacob J. I wonder if Jacob knows anything about Kevin. I hope he's not hurt. My intention was not to hurt him. I've kind of been hurting myself by it. I wonder if it was punishment? I do think Kevin is a wonderful person and a fabulous guy, but he's not Mormon. Anyway. I wonder how everything is with Stephen after the whole Mormon/Catholic thing back in June.

I hope Bri is doing better. I hope I get to see Teresa and Jacob N. while I'm home. I haven't seen either of them in a long time.

Saturday, August 20, 2005


sudden changes surround me...
that's a line from little shop of horrors. it's stuck in my head. with good reason of course.
so today is my last day of work. i fly to indy on monday. since my mom only purchased my tickets two days ago i have a crazy flight plan... i fly from bar harbor, me to rockland, me to boston, ma to cincinnati, oh to indianapolis, in and then two days later i fly from indianapolis, in to dallas/ft. worth, tx to salt lake city, ut. dang i wish i had a car because i am not really excited to do all of that flying. and i'm really not that excited about how much money it is going to cost me to mail all of my stuff to myself.
yeah so i have to get back to work.
love you.
see you soon.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

leaving soon

I've seen Kevin every night this week.

Shawn gave me a teddy bear. So, it's official, five boys have had crushes on me this summer.

Instead of Mom driving out, I am flying home Monday morning. I fly from Bar Harbor to Rockland to Boston to Cincinnati to Indianapolis. Dang, huh?

Kevin's grandpa died. The wake is tomorrow, and the funeral is Saturday. His parents are finished with working it out and are back on the divorce track. He and I decided not to try a long distance, but to keep in touch and who knows what will happen next summer. I know—nothing. He's not Mormon—he's not even religious at all. Nothing can happen.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


I keep having these nightmares that Danzy and I are dating/engaged after his mission, and I tell him about dating Kevin, and he breaks up with me. It's miserable.

Oh! Talking to Danzy's mom on the phone was horrible. I get the impression that she doesn't like me very much. Or maybe she knows that Danzy has his heart set on someone else, and she's trying to keep me from getting hurt. She seemed surprised to hear that Dan has sent me pictures, let alone has written me. Suck.

Yeah, so I always feel like I'm cheating on Dan by being with Kevin. It's the same way I felt all last year at school about Jacob. And yet I'm not even anyone's girlfriend.

However, I really do care about Kevin. He's my perfect opposite match.

Saturday, August 13, 2005


Man. Robbie (my manager) asked me if I would consider taking a semester off to stay out here and work. I'm very tempted. If I hadn't already paid for my apartment in Provo . . . and I don't want to make Suzy and Diana too sad.

So, Kevin and I are getting more serious. I feel kind of weird about it. What I mostly feel weird about is how dangerously I'm playing with his and my emotions. I really am attracted to him, but it can't be more than a summer thing, but I care about him. I can't be serious with him, because I'm 20. I need to stop just dating people and focus on marriage materials, but at the same time, the guys I would want to marry are all on missions.

I feel like I'm cheating on them, even though I've never even told Danzy that I could marry him. I don't even know if he thinks of me at all that way.

This Kevin thing doesn't fit in my plans. I'm breaking all my rules for him. Well not all. I still don't drink, smoke, swear, sleep around, watch bad movies, or dress immodestly, but I am dating someone who does those things. He and I have nothing in common except niceness and attraction.

Grr. What am I doing?

Sunday, August 7, 2005

Keep the Sabbath Day Holy

So today is Sunday, and I am at work. It's the first time I've had to work on the Sabbath. I spent the night with Chelsea last night at the Dalton's. They're at their lake house, and she didn't want to be alone in the forest. So, it was beautiful. I looked great, and the weather was amazing. I burst into song to join the birds.

Then I got to work and brought Melissa's dog, Sassy, with me. I'm watching her while Melissa is in Boston. So, Alissa leaves the door open to the shack, and Sassy took off. I sprinted behind her, but I couldn't keep up. My shoes had fallen off. I was crying and screaming. A man started chasing her for me, as did two kids on bikes. I went into the store, but Sassy hadn't run there.

I went toward the police department to report Sassy. Then the bikers found me and told me the man was coming with the dog. He somehow caught Sassy, and Sassy somehow miraculously did not get hit by a car. I can't believe she avoided it. I'm so embarrassed that I cried. :(

I don't like having people see me fall to pieces. I did keep a good amount of cool though. I screamed to people to stop her or char her, and that worked out in the end for me.

I feel horrible now, because I haven't eaten anything because it is fast Sunday, but I just ran up a hill and quite a few blocks.

Sassy is now tied to the counter and very depressed. While I was carrying Sassy back to the shack, she pooped on me.

I just wish I could be at church right now.

Raya asked me if I missed Kevin (he's in Boston this weekend also). I said, "no, I'm just bored without him." I wonder if that's true. I mean, I miss doing stuff with him. I miss having him around, but I'm not pining or sitting around restless. He gets back sometime Tuesday. Why don't I miss people? When am I going to trust someone enough to attach myself to them? I've trained myself to not get close, because I'll always move away and my romantic endeavors have not worked out. I wish I had waited longer to date, because maybe then I would be less scared by it now.

I want to sleep.

I will never work on a Sunday again.

old entry

so i wrote this a week ago but couldn't post it so here i am trying again...

i think i wrote this last wednesday. not three days ago but a week and three days ago.

so the power was out in like almost all of maine, parts of new hampshire, and all the way up into canada. is that crazy or what?

i just got home from kevin's 21st birthday party. it was really fun. i left because my ride was leaving. i could have stayed longer and gotten a ride from someone else, but i was torn. i wanted to stay because kevin had just been telling raya and i how glad he was that we were there because we were like his friends and a lot of the other people there were his brother's friends (his brother is the one that threw the party) but at the same time i didn't want to stay because his brother had a stripper coming to surprise kevin and i'm not really into that. so i decided to just leave with my ride. kevin wanted me to stay, but he didn't know a stripper was coming. maybe i should have warned him. i don't think i would like watching a stripper. in fact, i'm positive i wouldn't.

it's kind of funny because there were two other parties i could have gone to tonight. why did everyone randomly pick the evening with no electricity to have their parties on?

raya and i are having a dinner party tomorrow. she is making dinner and i am supposed to make dessert. i'm planning on making brigadeiros and beijinhos. i hope i can find everything i need at the grocery store and have time tomorrow. kevin invited me to go on a hike with him but i am taking marc to the airport. he's flying back to salt lake city tomorrow. i'm going to miss having him here and then i'm going to miss having amy, al, nichole, and spencer here.
wow. so many people leaving.

i love courtney workman and stephen greiner. thanks for all of the wonderful advice. the evening turned out splendidly.

i have some really cool co-workers. my favs are tia, raya, kev, and orrin. don't get me started on some of the other ones... grr...

i'd better stop writing before i lose the internet signal that i have.

Thursday, August 4, 2005

weird dreams

I had a dream two nights ago that Kevin and I were at the altar. A priest was talking, then Kevin said, "a marriage requires monogamy?" And he ran out.

He had a dream last night that we were in his dorm room, and I was keeping up shot for shot, bottle for bottle with his alcohol drinking, and he was amazed by how much I could drink since I was a beginner and so small.


He gambles, swears, and drinks. I don't do any of those things, and I've never dated anyone like him. Thank goodness he doesn't smoke, too. Why the heck am I attracted to him? Am I trying to date the opposite of Jacob? I'm the one who broke it off with Jacob. He and Danzy would be so disappointed in me if they knew. Maybe I like that Kevin needs me.

Monday, August 1, 2005

Growing old . . . growing up

It's so weird to work with Tia (15) and hang out with Chelsea (17). There is such a difference in those ages. So much growing up to get done. It's also weird, because I thought I was wise, old, mature at those ages, but I wasn't. Why did I ever have a boyfriend when I was 15? And how am I going to explain to my daughters that even though I did and turned out fine they shouldn't?