Sunday, July 31, 2005

Losing my girls

So, Amy, Al, and Nicole have only one week left in Maine. They're just handing out, because they've already had their last day of work. Nick Empey is also out here visiting. It's fun.

Okay, I'm avoiding the issue. Kevin kissed me. He's the personification of everything I am not attracted to. He drinks and swears. He did stay sober last night though, because I said I wouldn't kiss him with alcohol breath. The kiss was really short and sweet and nice. However, I felt like I was kind of cheating on Danzy and Jacob.

I am so mixed up. What is the point of a summer fling?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

here i am!

so my roommate (who is a manager where i work) and i had to come back into the store after it was closed and i am totally using the time to get on the internet. what an amazing feeling! okay um if anyone still even reads this - which i would understand if no one did because i haven't written in so long - i love you all! you guys are great, especially the ones that call me.
so life is good.
jacob and i broke up. but it's for the better and who knows what will happen in the future.
my sister amy is having a summer fling and has finally at the age of 22 had her first kiss. his name is spencer and he's so cute. he has facial hair so i'm wondering what it would be like to kiss someone with facial air and it's kind of funny to think that amy has never kissed anyone without facial hair.
i helped an old woman at the landromat on thursday. she kept falling asleep while watching her laundry, but she was holding on to one of the carts on wheels and she had a broken collar bone and a bad eye so needless to say i was scared for her. she was cute. her husband woke her up and wiped the drool off of her face. i hope that someone loves me enough when i'm 80 to tenderly wipe the drool off of my face and still find me beautiful.
i lent a tourist my cell phone the other day and then i got scared because he disappeared with it but then he returned it with a twenty dollar bill underneath it! score.
i bought seven pairs of shoes yesterday...
i love having a job and making money. it's an amazing feeling to know that none of my mooney has been involved with my parents at all. like. it's mine. which is kind of pathetic because i'm 20 and shouldn't i have been experiencing this already for a few years? but hey, some of us are late bloomers.
i've held a lobster, clams, sea urchin, sea cucumber, and star fish.
i've seen a bald eagle, harbor seals, gray seals, and a finback whale (the second largest whale in the world).
there are some larger than life slugs here. just waiting in the grass and bushes to freak you out and rock your afternoon.
i miss my friends.
my last day of work here is august 20th. my parents are driving me home and i think we are going to leave the actual 20th. then i'll be in muncie for three days and my parents just called to tell me that they purchased a plane ticket home for the 24th... so i'm going to have one huge party while i'm home. let me know which day would be best for you. that sunday, monday or tuesday.
i'm sad that i'm not going to be home longer.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Divorce and Hand Rashes

Yesterday, Kevin and I were at work alone in the shack. I had just watched a movie where this guy's parents get divorced. So, I'm talking about divorce. I realize Kevin is doing more listening than talking, so I say, "oh, I'm sorry, are your parents divorced? Oh no, wait, they were just here for the 4th." Then he nodded and just sat there. Finally he said, "Actually, they called me last night and told me they're getting divorced." He looked so sad. he told me the whole story, and I wanted to hug him so badly, but I didn't want him to think I pitied him.

I felt awful for him. Giving up is always a sad thing, but giving up on a marriage is terribly sad. They have to have been married about about 25 years. Apparently his mom has depression and alcohol problems, and his dad just doesn't feel strong enough to keep having to be strong.

I went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me a prescription for a steroid hand cream that should make my hands return to normal. If they don't improve in a week, I'm supposed to go back, and he'll refer me to a dermatologist.

I'm at the laundromat waiting for my laundry. There is a really old couple here. They're still married and in love. The husband went out to the car, and while he was gone, the wife fell asleep standing up. He came back, woke her up, asked if she was okay, and then lovingly wiped the drool of her face. The love of still-married old people is amazing. They have made it through so much and stuck together for so long.

Eternal commitment. Oh my gosh. Wow. Does someone exist that I could love in return for eternity?

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sacrament Talks

Amy and I are both speaking next Sunday. We both wrote our talks a week or two ago, but we spent a portion of today rewriting them. I just read mine to her. She and I had been given no topic assignment, but mine randomly is the perfect introduction to what she chose to speak about. God really does have a hand in all things.

I think I'm in love with Jacob and Danzy's letters.

I am also attracted to Kevin and Marc, more so Kevin though.

Thank goodness I'm single.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Good-bye Jacob

A girl named Alexa moved into the barn, so Melissa shares a room with me now sometimes. Mom and Dad have come and gone. I faced the facts that I have an eating problem. It's why I've been in constant pain for the past month. I haven't eaten enough food since I was 17, and now my body is punishing me. It used up my excess fat and is now tearing down my muscles to use as fuel. It's horrible. I have no energy ever. I feel like I'm dying. Eating makes me nauseous, and not eating makes me nauseous. So, I basically always feel horrible.

I broke up with Jacob last Monday, on July 4. He didn't handle it well for the first two days, but then he prayed about it and it all clicked. Everything that he's been doing that freaks me out suddenly freaked him out, too! He realized that for the past five years, he has only used his heart as a guide and never paid attention to his mind. He realized that a mission needs to be his focus—not me. It was amazing.

I really could spend the rest of my life with him. However, I feel that way about Danzy also. However, we have a God of miracles and happy endings, so I know that if I make the right choices, I will end up with Jacob or someone as wonderful as Jacob.

I wonder if I will end up with Phatty or Danzy or some mystery man I've never met or maybe randomly Reed or Aaron or Brett or Nate. Wow. So many great guy friends. I've really been blessed with amazing men in my life.

I promised Jacob I would write down some things about him to remember and compare other guys to. He makes me smile so much my face hurts. I know I am his priority. He knows my favorite everythings or wants to learn. Our hands fit perfectly. He taught me how to enjoy kissing. He keeps my feet warm. He sits through hours of Alias and Smallville. He cars about my entire family. He loves my parents. He loves making me laugh. He's so strong. He likes Mandy.

On the other side, he asks obvious questions that have no answers other than "duh." He's too easy to tease. He doesn't catch on to my sarcasm. He doesn't have any career plans.

Jacob would be an amazing father. He taught me patience after I thought it was something I'd never learn. He lights me up.

Last Sunday, I thought I was going to die. Sometimes I really feel like it would be no great loss to anyone if I died. Today a car flew around the corner right when I was crossing the street. If I had left my house a few seconds sooner that would have been it. I didn't feel a thing. It didn't scare me. I just thought, "hmm . . . that was close." I didn't even stop walaking.