Defeat

I don’t

Know

how to be your mom.

I don’t 
Know 

how to give you what you need.

The books aren’t helping.
Prayers aren’t helping.
Talking to psychiatrists didn’t help.
Staying calm isn’t helping.
Showing my love isn’t helping.
Being strict didn’t help.
Being gentle isn’t helping.
Teaching control tools didn’t help.

Nothing.
Helps.

If this is how it feels to fail as your mother,
How must you feel, trapped inside of your body?

I can’t give up.

There is too much life ahead.

But

What

Can

I 

Do?

In a moment like this, I am utterly defeated.

I just don't know.