I'm not the ally I thought I was

A core characteristic of mine has always been to give people the benefit of doubt, to assume the best about them. All people. Not just my friends and family but everyone I see. My inclination is to assume the best of intentions.

I've thought that this was a positive trait of mine.

I've realized that it isn't always.

I can think of a few instances where I have been in an all-white group, and someone said something that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't outright, blatantly racist, but it could have been, and I haven't been sure what the speaker meant. In those cases, I am usually silent, as my brain tries to figure out what was meant and how to respond. If it had the negative meaning, then I couldn't agree, but what if it didn't? I want to assume that my friends and acquaintances wouldn't be racist, so it must not mean what it could have meant. I probably should ask for clarification, but by then I've usually been quiet for so long that the moment has passed.

And what did my silence mean?

Could the others see how uncomfortable I was as I tried to mentally process the interaction? Or did they just register that I didn't disagree, which must mean that I agree, and that it is okay to say things like what they said?

Or what if I'm overthinking this?

Or what if I've never thought hard enough about it all, because aside from making me feel sad for my friends or making me feel uncomfortable, it has never actually affected me?

I speak up and disagree when I hear something blatant or obvious. But what about these subtleties? I am not good at them. I can never tell when someone is being sarcastic. I am very gullible. I tend to believe literally whatever is said. But words are not only literal. There are often undercurrents of meaning.

And so, I think I've let opportunities pass me by to stand up for my friends of color and to help my white friends consider the implications of what they've said.

I'm not the ally I thought I was.

And I'm ashamed.

I guess I only have your back sometimes.

So here is my apology.

I'm sorry that I didn't take the chance to educate. I should find out what was meant. If it was derogatory, I should have taken a moment to explain why it was unkind, false, and inappropriate. 

I'm sorry that I have left the burden of teaching white people to you. How exhausting—to feel the insult and then be the only one willing to explain why it was a insult.

I'm sorry for my silence.

I'll keep trying.