So, I don't really do much these days, and it's kind of weird. I'm used to going full force all the time. School or work or volunteering or hobbies or being with people. Doing stuff. I used to always do stuff. Now I do almost nothing.
I love what I get to do, which is hold Jill all day long, but I wish she would sleep. I know it's awful to complain, because I really love holding Jill, but then the end of the day comes, and it's like what did I do? Laundry? Well, maybe I got a load in, but is anything folded? No. Cooking? Did I cook anything? No. I practically didn't eat anything until dinner that Laurie made. Reading? Okay. I most likely got to read. Work? Hardly. When she was a newborn, she would fall asleep and then stay asleep when I laid her in her crib. Now, she does not. A few minutes after putting her down, she'll open her eyes and ask me in cute baby noises why in the world I'm not holding her anymore.
I know that I'll miss this. In a few short months, she'll have learned what toys are and what sitting up is, and she'll be happy to sit up and play with toys and let me keep working on my family history project or read my friends' blogs. Someday she'll even push me away and not let me hold her, and then I'll think longingly of these days when that's all I did.
Every day is more rewarding than the last now. She still doesn't talk to me (duh), but she'll smile at me sometimes, and that's a nice response.
And I can't complain really, because most days since Jeff doesn't have a job yet he's home and usually Laurie (my mother-in-law) is home too. It's only days like today when I don't get to shower and no one else is home that I feel like I have no response when someone asks me what I did today.
But hold my baby.
But I have a baby.
So I guess I'm a pretty lucky girl. ;) Pity party over. I'll get stuff done in the future and she's at school and I miss her.
And Jeff just called and he's coming home.
I love what I get to do, which is hold Jill all day long, but I wish she would sleep. I know it's awful to complain, because I really love holding Jill, but then the end of the day comes, and it's like what did I do? Laundry? Well, maybe I got a load in, but is anything folded? No. Cooking? Did I cook anything? No. I practically didn't eat anything until dinner that Laurie made. Reading? Okay. I most likely got to read. Work? Hardly. When she was a newborn, she would fall asleep and then stay asleep when I laid her in her crib. Now, she does not. A few minutes after putting her down, she'll open her eyes and ask me in cute baby noises why in the world I'm not holding her anymore.
I know that I'll miss this. In a few short months, she'll have learned what toys are and what sitting up is, and she'll be happy to sit up and play with toys and let me keep working on my family history project or read my friends' blogs. Someday she'll even push me away and not let me hold her, and then I'll think longingly of these days when that's all I did.
Every day is more rewarding than the last now. She still doesn't talk to me (duh), but she'll smile at me sometimes, and that's a nice response.
And I can't complain really, because most days since Jeff doesn't have a job yet he's home and usually Laurie (my mother-in-law) is home too. It's only days like today when I don't get to shower and no one else is home that I feel like I have no response when someone asks me what I did today.
But hold my baby.
But I have a baby.
So I guess I'm a pretty lucky girl. ;) Pity party over. I'll get stuff done in the future and she's at school and I miss her.
And Jeff just called and he's coming home.
It can be a difficult transition into the life of motherhood--even though it is so wonderful and we love it. It sounds like you are a wonderful mom to your little girl. I have found that it gets easier to handle more balls in the air the older Wes gets, although I still have my moments when he is teething and only wants to be held and there is this constant whining even when I do hold him, that I feel overwhelmed. But the good bits more than make up for those hard days!
ReplyDeleteMy advice (coming from Steve, so you know it's warped): Don't feel bad about wanting to get something done. There are valuable things in this world, and holding Jill is but one of them. Simultaneously, don't feel bad about not getting something done. Busy-ness in and of itself is not anything worthwhile, despite what some people think. I think holding Jill is just as 'anxiously engaged in a good cause' as is letting her fuss for a few minutes while you switch laundry, throw up a short blog, or decompress just a little.
ReplyDeleteMy two cents, for whatever they're worth....about two cents, I guess.
I totally know this feeling! You could have pulled this from a page in my journal 9 months ago. Little babies are hard in ways I never dreamed they would be. The days get long sometimes and it really doesn't feel like you get anything done. The nice thing is, it does get better! Like you said, everyday it gets a little better and before you know it she will be taking regular naps and entertaining her self. You will have so much time that you will run out of things to do! You were such a help to me when Ryan was at this stage. I used to watch the clock until 5pm when you would get home from work. I don't know if you ever knew how much it meant to me when you let Ryan and I tag along to Jeff's softball games or when we would just go on a walk. I guess now you have a better idea of how much it meant. :) You are so lucky to have Jeff home a lot during this stage of Jill's life and to have your mother in law. I wish we could hang out though! We miss you guys so much. Thank goodness for blogs! Ok, longest. comment. ever. The end.
ReplyDeleteOh yea, one more thing. It will never be this way again! I found a lot of comfort in that fact. The next time you have a little baby, you will have Jill to keep you on your toes! First babies are very unique that way. They get 100% of our attention. A blessing and a curse, I guess.
ReplyDeletei am soooooo glad you said this!!! i totally used to say the same thing- after every baby- each and every one of them... until they are like almost a year old!!! aaahhhh and andrew is 20 months old and i sometimes still have those days- like today:( ugh. but it's almost bedtime!!!
ReplyDeletejust remember like in the scriptures- this too shall pass....
and it will- and we can do our hobbies together:)
welcome to the mommyhood. it's a secret society where we're not afraid to remind ourselves and each other that being a mom really is worth despite everything. and yes, being stuck in the house all day without social contact and feeling so worn out from doing NOTHING is a big one :o) I miss those days already. Now he never stops running, so sitting down for more than a minute would be wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI think the first baby is hardest because you go from going full speed with work/school/whatever into a totally different world with totally different requirements. My sister gave me a book called What Mothers Do (Especially when it looks like nothing) by Naomi Stadlen and i think it helped me understand more clearly what i WAS getting done during all that "downtime". So i recommend it! Good luck--it IS hard work, even when your brain doesn't think it should be, but you're doing it better than you know. :)
ReplyDeleteJust know that all of those feelings are normal! I read your post, and could remember feeling just like that. Let's face it, some days I still do! Sounds like you're a good mom. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteStory of my life...well, post baby life! lol. http://motherslamentations.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-did-you-do-today.html
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it will ever end, but I'm guessing it's ok, because I'm not the only one that feels the same way.
You know, reading this I almost thought it was me talking to you on the phone... remember how I used to complain to you about this very thing? And do you remember what you used to say to me? You'd tell me that keeping Hallie alive and happy was my job right now, and if that means holding her while she naps...
ReplyDeleteLove you! And definitely keep reminding yourself to enjoy it while you can. You know Hallie won't even let me touch her sometimes!