Tuesday, February 14, 2006

family ties

The mood options that spymac offers never seem to match what my mood is.

So... I'm getting married and I am so excited about marrying Jeffrey and starting a new life with him.

However, I am feeling sad and worried about how much of my old life I am allowed to bring into my new life.

I mean... my family is close. We are really, really close. It is probably because we have moved like ten times while I was growing up. We were forced to like each other or we wouldn't have any friends, well okay to be completely honest, some of us were always able to make friends, but there's a difference between a four year friend and a forever friend.

So, certain family members keep unintentionally letting me know how sad they are at the thought of losing me. I hadn't really thought about that. I mean, I've come to the terms that all of my best guy friends, well they can't really be my best guy friends, because what kind of a marriage would work if I went to a different guy with problems? I can totally accept that Jeffrey is the only real guy friend I will have for the rest of my life.

However, it is weird to think about becoming 'one' with him when I am already so 'one' with my family. How does that fit? I always thought that they wouldn't be losing a daughter/sister but gaining a son/brother, however they're so worried and sad that it has made me unbelievably sad.

I mean, it does change everything. I won't just go home anymore. My home is with Jeffrey now. I'll visit with my family. They don't even live in the same house anymore; they're all spread out and my parents moved so that house isn't my home. It's so sad though.

I don't think they understand that I know what they are going through. They've always told me that I'm independent and that I've never really needed them and they've just all needed me my whole life and it is true. Sometimes I get scared to death that they will need me so much that I won't be able to let Jeffrey need me, because I'm too busy helping them.

I guess I just need to have faith. Faith in them that they will be strong. Faith in God that He will provide all the help that we all need.

Sometimes it's just hard to be the only one who left to go to school. The only one who chose a college across the country, two time zones away. They're all so close and I'm so far and I guess I just feel like my marriage, my blissful union, is just going to pull me even farther apart from them.

I love them.
I love Jeff.

I will find a way to have room for both.

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